today when she left for her test, she said: "bye! Don't leave! Be here when I get back!" and it made my day!

WEDNESDAY - Oct 22nd

Life has been really awesome since Ashley and I had that great talk over a week ago. I cannot express my gratitude enough to heavenly father for helping me to be changed and helping me progress. I cannot express my gratitude enough to Ashley for helping me through. I must continue to trust her and believe that she is on my side (some how hard for me). . . only an amazing woman like her would stick with me and be my best friend. She astounds me at times with her patience, understanding and ability to help me feel better when I am upset. She probably doesn't think that she is amazing at that - but she is!

2 months untill we get married! Does it seem closer or farther now? I don't know . . . it seems like it's just one big eternity away! But when we took our engagement photos (which were amazing by the way) it made it all seem a bit closer. And when we went and looked for housing together that made it all seem a bit closer.

I have to go to work now, but I will recount the story of our photos next time! P.S. mom's swine flu is okay.

FRIDAY - OCT 16th

Things have been really great this week! We are taking our engagement pictures tommorow and I am really really excited! I have everything worked out so that we will have a piano in the wilderness! Ashley has everything worked out so we have an awesome photographer! We can do such cool stuff when we work together! Now we just need to figure out what to wear! Okay. . .
So my mom maybe has the swineflu? Yeah it's a little bit crazy. I have had to stay away from her for like a week now and that is too bad. Yesterday on my run with Ashley we went down to my mom's quaranteened (i'm just exagerating, don't get nervous) house and said hi. Then Ashley ran home on her own and I stayed and talked with my mother. She had some frank and good advice about sex in my married life. I was happy to hear what she had to say.
Today me and Ashley are going to the temple.

HALLELUJAH!!!

Well finally many years of my prayers have been answered. This weekend has been the best of my life! I feel that Ashley and the Holy ghost have helped me to break through some really really serious walls in my mind that have been holding back my spirit for SO long! On friday after classes and work, we went to my apartment and talked for 6 hours - this was the most intense and frightening talk I have ever encountered thus far in my life. I felt so sad as some of the hurtful things I needed to address made Ashley cry. This really broke my heart more than I can really express. But it was all neccesary. Ashley is the most patient and understanding person on the earth - she hung in there and tried with all of her faculty and might to understand my mind and help me to change it. I don't know anyone else who could've gone to that place with me. Now I know that we can do ANYTHING and that our union and friendship s stronger than the bonds of death! I really never wanted to open up and visit those doubts that we dealt with on that couch - but in order to give myself, my trust, ALL myself and ALL my love . . . we had to go there. I am so greatful. Because after "all the wounds were uncovered for her to see" - she healed me and she made me better. It reminds me of "show me where it hurts so I can be everything you need to be well". I am so grateful. I am so grateful to my heavenly father for helping me to open up and be healed. I know that the Atonement of Jesus the Redeemer of my earthly self as well as my eternal soul has changed me! I love Him and I am so unexplainably grateful for his sacrifice and immense love. I covenanted that I would fully trust Ashley and believe that she had my best interests always in mind. I covenanted to not be afraid. She covenanted to always be truthful with me, and to cherish me like I deserve (and of course I will do the same for her.)
After that amazing expirience saturday was really fun! I felt closer to her than I ever have before. There was no boundary. There was no fakery. There was no inhabition! It was all so rael and fabulous. We laughed so much and smiled so much and loved eachother so right. It was so great and what I have ALWAYS wanted. We watched grey's anatomy and we prepared our lesson for sunday and we looked at housing on line and we did someother cool stuff. All I remember is that I was REALLY happy and she was to. How ideal. Sunday was great. We went to church and taught a good lesson. We went to a fireside by the stake president and his wife. We cuddled a lot. We read some stuff and made dinner and it was really happy too. Yesterday was equally as great and I hope life can stay this open and sincere. I cannot express my gratitude enough.

+OH THE DANCE OF LOVE+

Someday, we will probably be married and maybe THEN everything will slow down and calm down and be peacefull and be wonderful. Maybe? I'm sure you're like "that's wishful thinking, dear." And it probably is, but life is so unsure and crazy and fidgety and weird right now. I wish it were december. School is harder than I wish it was. I want to get better at planning and time management and memory. Sometimes I get frusterated with how much I am able to forget! Sometimes I just want to drop out of school and be a hippie in the mountains . . . but then I think about how self serving that is and I don't do it.

Things have been good here. I can say that Ashley and I have been closer than ever before! We spend a lot of time together . . . and I am really not sure if that is good or bad because soon enough we will spend ALL of our time together so does that mean we should probably take advantage of our atonomy or is that a good thing because we obivously LIKE spending ALL of our time together? I don't know . . . I think probably way too hard about stuff sometimes - all the time.

I feel heavenly father has blessed be with a lot more self-confidence recently. That has been really nice. I continue to rely on him for support! I know he can help me become the man I want to be and the husband and father that I would like to present for my family.

Soon Ashley and I will be taking our wedding announcement photos. That is neat. We are going to do somthing similar to this cool picture with the paino couple. This will be a neat step that will help us feel a lot closer to how real the whole thing is. Sometimes the whole thing seems so distant and UNreal. I have told Ashley that sometimes it feels like we're planning somebody else's wedding together.

Well, I have way too much homework to do now, so I must go! Bye bye now!