THE BIG DAY - mr. ring comes tonight!

Well, I am so excited that I can't even stand it! My ring is the best in the state! I have been to every ring store ever in the county and I have learned all there is to know! CUT COLOR CLARIT"Y CARROT, baby! Yeah! The ring I bought is a vintage style pouve Eddy Z designer setting with a 1.1 carrot princess cut stone set on point. I in color and SI-1 with an near invisible inclusion in the conrner. Whoa I am going to pick it up tonight and then I just seriously need to figure out how to propose to ashley because I want to SO soon! I am so greatful to my heavenly father for being undyingly patient with me and laways helping me no matter what are my fears and concerns! I am so happy in my life and although many times I will still have doubts, I know He will be my support and lead me along!

Last night ashley and I studyed french for like 50 hours and I am so greatful for her patience and willingness to help, she is so great! Last night I thanked her for giving me so much of her time and she said "I'd rather hang out with you than anyone else." And although I knew it was true, I loved hearing it out of her mouth.

So I have started a new excersie routine! I go to the gym every morning before class and then show up to class all sweaty and gym shortsy . . . and It's great. I also do a long run every day! I want to present the best body possible to Ashley when we get married, and thereafter. I think my body has been a long neglected part of me for too long and it feels good and more in balance for me to be more aware of it.

INCUBATION STATION

This week has been awesome! I really feel like Ashley and I have fallen into a good groove of things. It's like we're comfortable but progressing forward! I bought a ring two days ago! Yeah me, I bought a ring - everything and part of it was on sale - it was 3100 dollars - I was expecting to pay more to be honest. UM! Today me and Ashley had a lot of fun, we went to the Fortune Chinese all you can eat restaurant and it was really fun. We laughed and talked about the good old times like always. Tonight I went on a 4-5 mile run . . . it was really far. I am really trying to get my body in gear and ready for Ashley Rodgers. I might propose this weekend - but certainly next week! I just need to figure out how! WHOA! Work is fun. French is hard and fun and I love living in lifetime live living life livers.

MONDAY MORNING

Yesterday (sunday) was just awesome and amazing. Everything was awesome and normal and fine and their were no crisis. Oh happy day! Um we made breakfast together, eggs and grits and then we walked to church together and then church was relaxed and nice and then we made a salad together and then we went to my cousin's Jude and Eliza's where we ate dinner and played the best game ever known to man! BALDERDASH! Then we drove home and picked up my dead car in Lehi. Then we walked together over to my mom's house to drop off some stuff while Ashley was on the phone with JOY talking about us. Then we walked to the caralon bell on campus while I talked to Joy. Then we layed in the grass and talked and laughed and had fun. Then we walked home and talked on her porh untill 1:40 a.m. Beautiful simple and relaxing.

While we were making dinner, I had to run to get somthing at her aparment and she said "I don't want you to leave me." When we were talking on her porch, she said to me "you're eyes are so BEAUTIFUL!!!" Later she said "I don't want you to go home."

I WILL GO, I WILL DO!

So life is certainly so incredible! I love it and I am so grateful for it! I love Ashley Rodgers and I am astounded that heavenly father has given her to me - such a clumsy steward. This past week has been totally awesome! Work has been fun and school has been fine and Ashely and I have been so close this week! Monday night, we had one of those crazy intense emotional conversations . . . I expressed some serious doubts about our compatibility (mostly I was just moping and trying to get attention). We left each other quite upset. I wondered the part crying and praying until 2 in the morning. Ashley did about the same thing in her room. Heavenly Father and I did some real serious talking and he told me to stop being like Laman and Lemuel and doubting his words and answers and puting my reasoning above his. I decided to be like Nephi and try to stop doubting and GO and DO! I am so greatful for that story and the contrasts it teaches! The next day and untill now I have tryed with all my heart to beleive that everything is fine and that there is NO CRISIS! And it has served me well. Sometimes I think that Heavenly Father has given me my struggles JUST so I will learn to turn to Him! And I think if I didn't have them, maybe I wouldn't turn to Him and for that I am greatful for my problems.

Ashley is so sweat to me and good to me! She tries so hard to understand me and occomodate me! I am so amazed at her boundless patience with me and her pure and christlike love for me! I wanna cry when I think about it sometimes. She is undescribable. It is awesome to be in a relationship with her for this long - I have never really gone this long and I have certainly NEVER been so close to someone or trusted someone SO much as I trust her - Our lives our linked so deep now! Who would've guessed what some words at an FHE would turn in to (I went ring shopping again today with Meredith and my Mom)!

Yesterday we went to our bishop's house and spent time with him and his wife and their daughter and her two daughters from colorado. The Little girl we were there to see mainly is named Haley. We have become her college pen pals! Her and her little sister Brecken are SOO tender. We played and ate dinner and did fireworks and just had a great time! I love those guys.

Today we rented 3 movies from BYU for $1.00! And we watched two of them - Fried Green Tomoatoes and Swing Kids. It was fun - Ashley and I are usually pretty active and busy, so it was nice to have a day off and be bums. This weekend we spent some time with Meredith and went swimming with her and watched the Sponge Bob Square Pants movie! I love that girl.

Well, the night grows old and I must go! Life is wonderful, I need to continue to build my self confidence, Ashley Confidence and Jesus Confidence!

LIFE.com

Well I got an A on my first french test which is awesome! I have been playing yo yo with ashley, getting really close and then backing up really fast and then getting even closer and then getting scared and backing up really fast . . . and it's kind of getting rediculous. My mother and I went ring shopping this week and it was really fun. I went last week by myself for the first time and it was seriously enjoyable. It's starting to scare me when ashley treats me nonchalauntly and like I am old news. It is starting to scare me when she is more excited to see other people than me. I know these feelings are so selfish, but I am starting to feel . . . deep deep down, that maybe we want different things. I want a fairytale romance and she just wants someone to fill the role. That frightens me a lot. Of course in other moments I feel much more confident, but such is me. I am moving foward on faith, but FEAR is very very real.

Life is moving on. I wish i could take out sections of my brains and smash them on the ground. Examining my life I can tell that I am WAY overly sensitive and that when I look back on things that have gone by, I realize that I just need to calm down and not read situations SO DANG HARD! I know this is my mental challenge and I pray constantly for the support of the Lord. sometimes I feel that he has blessed me with these challenges just so I can realize that I need to rely on him in a serious way . . . I havn't quite learned yet.

Today Ashley came to my classes with me and seemed kind of apethetic. Then I tried to buy her lunch and she didn't want me to. Then someother things happened and I just wound up kind of feeling rejected overall so I went on a run and worked out - all the while praying that the lord would soften my heart. I need confidence and power and peace.

THURSDAY

Life life life . . . I enjoy my job . . . not particularly the job it's self but I really enjoy the thought that I am making money and being productive and providing a service that is really needed, even though not very impressivce. My mom volunteered in the temple with me last night and it was fun to be able to hang out with her while I was at work. I was back in the dishroom mostly as she worked the line - it was fun - she kept calling me up front to look at different people who she thought were funny looking. I think it's so cool that she wants to share things with me.

So Ashley - I have this strange technique that I belive that psychologists would call anxious attacthement to people. I try to get really really super close, and then in an effort to feel reciporocation or attention, I back off really acutely and try to manupulate people into feeling like "Hey come back! I want you!" There must be a more healthy way to get this kind of attention that does not include running. I am currently running. Yesterday I tried to stay away from Ashley as much as I possibly could . . . why? So that she will want to be close to me. It's really messed up. I am not contacting her during this break between school and work on purpose . . . why? To foster some kind of scarcity. The idea of being with someone all the time really excites/scares me both ALOT!!! I want to be with someone intimately ALL the time - but the idea that I can't do it scares me so I persue and flee that idea in a perpetual whirlpool. It's very strange. I want to just stay close to Ashley all the time (like we were this one glorious week) but inevitably, the trust isn't strong enough and I get pridefull and or scared and or needy and I pull back into my hole like a scared mouse. Moose? Mouse.

I wish that my faith in Jesus Christ was stronger. I wish that my faith in Him would be present all the time so that when fear comes to my mind I could override it with my powerful mind full of faith and belief. I know everything will work out fine so I wish that I would be trusting. Mostly I wish I was more selfish like my saviour. I am truely a deeply selfish person and although I really do love myself, I wish I could let go of my own desires!

WEDNESDAY

These past few weeks with Ashley have been really great! There is most certainly a normal ebb and flow to our relationships. Some days we are really close, some days we are pretty close. Some days we are a little distant, but such is life. Some times I have a hard time accepting that as a human I am incapable of making life perfect all the time . . . but it is time to admit that that is okay. The best couple in the world has an ebb and flow. It's chemical, it's situational, it's just natural. There are so many factors, related and non in our lives that it is only logical that things would be fluid! I really though have been so happy the past few days. Ashley treats me so good! Some times I have to ask - "why are you so good to me?" the other day she answered back - "because you are so good to me." We talked a lot about wedding rings the other day while we were jogging and we really seem to be on the same page!

I started a new job at my old job at the temple yesterday! It feels really good to be working again. I just have a lot less time. . .

IVANS, TAKE 2!

This weekend Ashley and I went to St. George (Ivans) to visit Josh and Candy and Summer and Christian and Seth and Skyler who was getting baptised! Oh it was sooooo good to see them again! When we first arrived (after a 3 hour road trip - nothing in the face of florida to utah) we went to the neighborhood swim center to get the kids. Skyler and Summer jumped emmediately out of the pool to and ran to us and they both (wet as can be) hugged me symoltaniously. I was kinda really surprised by how excited to see me! We all went home and hung out and watched Brian Reagen on DVD who made us laugh so hard that we cried out eyeballs red.
It was amazing and wonderful to be with Josh and Candy again - they are so entertaining and awesome! I was very surprised at how natural it all felt to be back there again. It didn't feel like the second time that I had been there, but maybe the 10th or 12th. I am happy to say I feel like I fit in there very very well. That night, momma and daddy Rodgers arrived and it was very good to see them! Momma gave me a huge hug and they both remarked that they really missed me a lot which I felt was very genuine. They are such a good family at helping you feel welcome . . . My family is not the very best at that. Meredith and her new boyfriend Ryan came later. At night Ashley and Meredith went and slept at Shaleen's and Ryan and I stayed at Josh and Candy's. On Saturday we went to the baptism early and practiced our musical # (it makes me so happy to do musical #s with Ashley and Meredith but really especially Ashley - it's so cool when we work together using our awesome talents.) The baptism was beautiful and went perfectly and smoothly. We hung out saturday afternoon and went on a scenic walk down this cool alley way with beautiful flowers in Ivans and then that night we watched a UFC match on T.V. at candice's sister's house. It was really fun and some strange primevil part of me that secretly wants to kill and eat a deer raw with my bare hands really enjoyed the spinning and the kicking and the hurting. We all made predictions on who would win and ashley and I were right all accept for 2 times. We decided that the more physically attractive fighter usually wins somehow - maybe it's intimidation? I really enjoyed myself.
That night we went home and I talked with Candice for like a half of an hour about what it is like to get married and what it is like to be engaged. The next day was sunday. I talked to Josh about what he thought about wedding rings and getting engaged. He skipped his primary meeting to come with me to priesthood. That evening we all just went on walks and made dinner together and had lots of fun! It was an incredibly great expirience! I just felt so confident in my relationship with ashley, to me we seemed so connected and peaceful! I loved it! I am greatful to my heavenly father for helping me grow up.
Today I went ring shopping for the first time and found some awesome rings that would cost me 3 grand!

BAPTISMS FOR THE DEAD (a good habit)

Yesterday was a fabulous day! I have been praying with all of my heart these last few days that I will be able to drop my pride and selfishness and just be able to focus on loving Ashley and giving her all of myself without being afraid or protected. I want us to have the kind of love that does not have pockets of fear bubbling in and out. I have been pleading with my father in heaven to help me to have faith and not worry! And yesterday a lot of those prayers were answered. I was in my book of mormon class, that I love and the spirit taught me some precious truths about how I need to open up my heart and be accepting and nurturing of people no matter how they treat me! The spirit taught me that when I doubt marrying Ashley, I am doubting the answer to my prayer on the hill - and when I do that, I am doubting the source of the prayer - and when I do that, I am exhibiting a lack of faith in the Saviour Jesus Christ. I have read all the books, talked to all the people, done all the research and soul serching neccisary - now it is just time for me to grow up and act on FAITH! Having faith does not mean that we will wait untill heavenly father to reveals somthing to us in full before we act on it. Faith is the distance between the dark hallway (that we cannot see and are unsure of) and the bright doorway heavenly father has promissed is there (possibly out of sight). Faith is the part that you do without assurance - TRUSTING the father to bless protect and love you. It is time for me to act on faith.
Yesterday Afer my french class, I read the updates on Ashley's blog about our relationship. It made me sooooooo happy! I love this amazing birthday gift she has given me. It is so wonderful to me to be able to delve into her feeling like that and see how she thinks and is. It is [priceless! I laughed and felt so happy after I read it. Then I went home and snuck into her room (alone) and layed on her bed and read a letter that I wrote to her when she was in Florida! Oh man it was awesome. We both love eachother SO much! Sometimes we just need to be better at expressing it confidently, you know?
After that my mother and I picked out temple clothes. After that, Ashley and I met up at the provo temple and did baptisms and confirmations. The spirit touched my heart so much! I was filled with joy to the point where I started laughing a few times. I love Ashley so much, she is such an incredible woman. In the temple, I told her that I was going to marry her in december (something we have been trying to see eye to eye on). Things just felt so right and good.
Later we studyied for my french test and she made me grits for dinner as an incentive. I love studying with her. She is a really good teacher and rewards me alot when I am correct . . . tee hee hee. I pray that we can exist on that same level of companionship always.

BACK IN P-TOWN

WOW I haven't written in far too long! I apologize! Not writing in my journal is a symptom of ingratefulness, forgettfullness, not having a computer-ness and ashley being back in Utah-ness. Our trip to florida was amazing. It was really good and also really hard at some times. Ashley and I learned incredibly important stuff about ourselves, eachother and our relationship. It was overall an extreemely positive expirience! I had so much fun and am extreemely greatful to have been able to spend so much time getting to know her family in an intimate way.

After florida has been very interesting as well. We have been a bit back and forth, trying to establish an intimate connection with eachother. We have drawn very very close, sharing personal and sensitive information. We have backed up, fearing and becoming defensive. We have been on a very great journey so far together. Honestly sometimes I feel as though we have been together for 5 years instead of 5 months. I have had only one other relationship this long and it ended up 1.5 years long - with Whitney. I am greatful to learn about what it means to serve, please and accomodate eachother. I have expirienced greater joy in this relationship than anywhere else in my life - I have also expirienced greater fear, here than ever before.

What I am learning now, is the pricelessness of focusing on Ashley and others and trying my very darndest (with the help of the Lord) to not focus inwardly on myself!