THURSDAY

Life life life . . . I enjoy my job . . . not particularly the job it's self but I really enjoy the thought that I am making money and being productive and providing a service that is really needed, even though not very impressivce. My mom volunteered in the temple with me last night and it was fun to be able to hang out with her while I was at work. I was back in the dishroom mostly as she worked the line - it was fun - she kept calling me up front to look at different people who she thought were funny looking. I think it's so cool that she wants to share things with me.

So Ashley - I have this strange technique that I belive that psychologists would call anxious attacthement to people. I try to get really really super close, and then in an effort to feel reciporocation or attention, I back off really acutely and try to manupulate people into feeling like "Hey come back! I want you!" There must be a more healthy way to get this kind of attention that does not include running. I am currently running. Yesterday I tried to stay away from Ashley as much as I possibly could . . . why? So that she will want to be close to me. It's really messed up. I am not contacting her during this break between school and work on purpose . . . why? To foster some kind of scarcity. The idea of being with someone all the time really excites/scares me both ALOT!!! I want to be with someone intimately ALL the time - but the idea that I can't do it scares me so I persue and flee that idea in a perpetual whirlpool. It's very strange. I want to just stay close to Ashley all the time (like we were this one glorious week) but inevitably, the trust isn't strong enough and I get pridefull and or scared and or needy and I pull back into my hole like a scared mouse. Moose? Mouse.

I wish that my faith in Jesus Christ was stronger. I wish that my faith in Him would be present all the time so that when fear comes to my mind I could override it with my powerful mind full of faith and belief. I know everything will work out fine so I wish that I would be trusting. Mostly I wish I was more selfish like my saviour. I am truely a deeply selfish person and although I really do love myself, I wish I could let go of my own desires!