Thanksgiving at GRANT'S PASS OREGAN

I am having a blast here with Joy, Quin, Tian, Noelle and Meredith and Ashley! What an awesome vacation. So far, we arrived on tuesday night and chatted and got to know everybody and ate some pizza and had fun. The next day, Ashley and I went on a run in the morning up through the pine trees and the fog and it was gorgeous. Then we went to get our teeth cleaned and Bleached at Quin's work. That was awesome! I thought that bleaching was going to be a super scientific and complicated process. In reality it involved a mystical crystal that sucked out our essense like in the dark crystal. Our teeth look fantastic like hollywood movie stars, and the sweetheart of a man did it for F-R-E-E! Cool huh? It was neat to watch Quin at work and see how a young hip professional does his thing. I got to watch him drill and fill a cavity in Ashley's mouth - really neat. She held my hand and sqeezed it when she was scared and it was really tender. Then after that we came home and watched a movie and just hung out with the kids and it was really fun. Then as we were going to sleep, Ashley Meredith and I watched IronMan with Robert Downy Junior. (important in light of what happened the next day)
Thursday was thanksgiving. We woke up early and went SHOOTING with some family friends of joy and quin. That was really manly and fun and made me feel like ironman. We shot a 22 handgun, a glock police handgun, a few big shot guns and I go to shoot a semi-automatic machine gun - good times needless to say. Oh and we shot moving clay pigeons and I hit like 4 of them! It was really fun!

TIME CONTINUES TO PASS (6 WEEKS LEFT)

Well . . . Things have been all over the place and so much has happened! The other night, Ashley brought me a special surprise - she brought me our favorite desert, Tres Leches from Costa Vida, and on top of it was my MAN WEDDING RING! What an awesome and sweet surprise. It was really cute because that night when we went to the gym, she was really excited to get home because she wanted to give me some surprise. She is so tender sometimes. She let me wear the ring all night and then took it away from me, because we are NOT married, and sometimes we already have enough trouble remembering that!

I love this woman with all my heart. She is more important to me than anything else in the world. I was afraid to let her get this far inside of me . . . but like I have been finding recently, the greatest joys we could experience are often stifled by our own doubt. As soon as I did the counter intuitive and let her inside, I found a great treasure I never thought I could have.

Ashley Rodgers! Ashley Rodgers! I am so amazed at her patience with me in my week moments (which I have FAR to many of). I am so grateful to my father in heaven for helping me to treat her right. She is all I have ever ever dreamed of - and somehow she seems to be getting better looking everyday! What's with that?
We have been trying to find housing recently and it is really hard! Today we are seeing 2 places and hopefully we aren't so desperate that we make a rash decision! 6 weeks is a very short time! It's like a transfer! I am ready - oh man we are so ready. Sometimes we just say goodbye at 12 and laugh because we are so married and yet not and yet on the brink of both and it is really weird and crazy!

today when she left for her test, she said: "bye! Don't leave! Be here when I get back!" and it made my day!

WEDNESDAY - Oct 22nd

Life has been really awesome since Ashley and I had that great talk over a week ago. I cannot express my gratitude enough to heavenly father for helping me to be changed and helping me progress. I cannot express my gratitude enough to Ashley for helping me through. I must continue to trust her and believe that she is on my side (some how hard for me). . . only an amazing woman like her would stick with me and be my best friend. She astounds me at times with her patience, understanding and ability to help me feel better when I am upset. She probably doesn't think that she is amazing at that - but she is!

2 months untill we get married! Does it seem closer or farther now? I don't know . . . it seems like it's just one big eternity away! But when we took our engagement photos (which were amazing by the way) it made it all seem a bit closer. And when we went and looked for housing together that made it all seem a bit closer.

I have to go to work now, but I will recount the story of our photos next time! P.S. mom's swine flu is okay.

FRIDAY - OCT 16th

Things have been really great this week! We are taking our engagement pictures tommorow and I am really really excited! I have everything worked out so that we will have a piano in the wilderness! Ashley has everything worked out so we have an awesome photographer! We can do such cool stuff when we work together! Now we just need to figure out what to wear! Okay. . .
So my mom maybe has the swineflu? Yeah it's a little bit crazy. I have had to stay away from her for like a week now and that is too bad. Yesterday on my run with Ashley we went down to my mom's quaranteened (i'm just exagerating, don't get nervous) house and said hi. Then Ashley ran home on her own and I stayed and talked with my mother. She had some frank and good advice about sex in my married life. I was happy to hear what she had to say.
Today me and Ashley are going to the temple.

HALLELUJAH!!!

Well finally many years of my prayers have been answered. This weekend has been the best of my life! I feel that Ashley and the Holy ghost have helped me to break through some really really serious walls in my mind that have been holding back my spirit for SO long! On friday after classes and work, we went to my apartment and talked for 6 hours - this was the most intense and frightening talk I have ever encountered thus far in my life. I felt so sad as some of the hurtful things I needed to address made Ashley cry. This really broke my heart more than I can really express. But it was all neccesary. Ashley is the most patient and understanding person on the earth - she hung in there and tried with all of her faculty and might to understand my mind and help me to change it. I don't know anyone else who could've gone to that place with me. Now I know that we can do ANYTHING and that our union and friendship s stronger than the bonds of death! I really never wanted to open up and visit those doubts that we dealt with on that couch - but in order to give myself, my trust, ALL myself and ALL my love . . . we had to go there. I am so greatful. Because after "all the wounds were uncovered for her to see" - she healed me and she made me better. It reminds me of "show me where it hurts so I can be everything you need to be well". I am so grateful. I am so grateful to my heavenly father for helping me to open up and be healed. I know that the Atonement of Jesus the Redeemer of my earthly self as well as my eternal soul has changed me! I love Him and I am so unexplainably grateful for his sacrifice and immense love. I covenanted that I would fully trust Ashley and believe that she had my best interests always in mind. I covenanted to not be afraid. She covenanted to always be truthful with me, and to cherish me like I deserve (and of course I will do the same for her.)
After that amazing expirience saturday was really fun! I felt closer to her than I ever have before. There was no boundary. There was no fakery. There was no inhabition! It was all so rael and fabulous. We laughed so much and smiled so much and loved eachother so right. It was so great and what I have ALWAYS wanted. We watched grey's anatomy and we prepared our lesson for sunday and we looked at housing on line and we did someother cool stuff. All I remember is that I was REALLY happy and she was to. How ideal. Sunday was great. We went to church and taught a good lesson. We went to a fireside by the stake president and his wife. We cuddled a lot. We read some stuff and made dinner and it was really happy too. Yesterday was equally as great and I hope life can stay this open and sincere. I cannot express my gratitude enough.

+OH THE DANCE OF LOVE+

Someday, we will probably be married and maybe THEN everything will slow down and calm down and be peacefull and be wonderful. Maybe? I'm sure you're like "that's wishful thinking, dear." And it probably is, but life is so unsure and crazy and fidgety and weird right now. I wish it were december. School is harder than I wish it was. I want to get better at planning and time management and memory. Sometimes I get frusterated with how much I am able to forget! Sometimes I just want to drop out of school and be a hippie in the mountains . . . but then I think about how self serving that is and I don't do it.

Things have been good here. I can say that Ashley and I have been closer than ever before! We spend a lot of time together . . . and I am really not sure if that is good or bad because soon enough we will spend ALL of our time together so does that mean we should probably take advantage of our atonomy or is that a good thing because we obivously LIKE spending ALL of our time together? I don't know . . . I think probably way too hard about stuff sometimes - all the time.

I feel heavenly father has blessed be with a lot more self-confidence recently. That has been really nice. I continue to rely on him for support! I know he can help me become the man I want to be and the husband and father that I would like to present for my family.

Soon Ashley and I will be taking our wedding announcement photos. That is neat. We are going to do somthing similar to this cool picture with the paino couple. This will be a neat step that will help us feel a lot closer to how real the whole thing is. Sometimes the whole thing seems so distant and UNreal. I have told Ashley that sometimes it feels like we're planning somebody else's wedding together.

Well, I have way too much homework to do now, so I must go! Bye bye now!

SOMETIMES

Well I'd like to get into a better habbit of writing in this journal. Things in my life have been so amazingly good recently. Heavenly Father has seen fit to give me so many blessings and so much peace and comfort and joy in this life. Did you know that Joseph smith said: "Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it..." ? This means that NOW while we are on earth passing our tests and trials, the point is for us to be happy! I am really trying to get to a place where I can be happy all of the time and I feel that I am really making strides. Ashley and I have expirienced a lot since I last wrote here in my bloggette journelette. We have seen some seriously sereene and powerfully peaceful times and we have expirienced some wrenchingly difficult and emotionally intense times. We have grown so much and come so far. I feel as though I have grown so much and come so far. Unfortunatley, at times, the process is pain, tears, blood, sweat, and the like, but it somehow ALWAYS ends up tottally worth it in the end - no matter how impossible and seriously lost it may seem in the prosses. I am greatful to our Father for letting me pass through what he has allowed me to pass through and I am confident that He will continue to teach me and hold me in his hands.

This weekend, Ash and I went to my brother's house up in sugar house and spent the weekend with his family. We stayed saturday night and went to church with them on sunday. It was really fun and I love seeing Ashley play with and bond with my neices. She is going to be a super-seriously good mom unit and I kind of want to have babies RIGHT now . . . but that step actually comes after the marriage thing, incase you didn't know that. Sometimes I have to review the steps too. It's okay.

This last week I almost went a whole entire week without going to the DARK SIDE (my code words for when I have an emotional issue that leads me into a noteably bad mood). I was really happy, beacuse my goal is to avoid those moods at all costs and become a man who never goes to the dark side. On friday after our dance test, I went to the darkside for like 45 minutes and then I went to work. While at work I decided that I really didn't want to spend the entire weekend feeling that way (which very easily could have happened) so I decided that I just wasn't upset anymore because missing those 2 days wouldn't have been worth it. What I was upset about really didn't get resolved, but it was nice to see that I could just let it go sometimes, even if it was a bit serious. The results were very positive and I hopet that I can use that just deciding technique more often.

I got a hair cut, as did Ashlington and I have to be honest. I'd love to have never have any opinion because often having an opinion steps on other people's toes. But I really do have an opinion and my opinion is that I like Ashley's hair longer. Right before she cut it, it was the perfect lenght. Oh man her hair is rediculous!!! But that's okay, she likes my hair a bit longer too. It's understandable. I like when we can be honest with eachother. In fact that's one thing that I have been really working on in my quest for confidence is the ability to feel a certain way and not feel that my feeling is a burden. I am allowed to feel some kinda way as is everyone else.

Recently Ashley and I had a semi-dangerous run in with our sexual feelings for eahother and made a really serious resolve to keep our rules and be careful with eachother. It was a really good expirience. December is coming soon (kind of) and we are really almost ready I think. I feel confident that if we will just fully cherish and respect eachother - life will be amazing!

BEING ENGAGED, by Andrew Beck

I really love it! It’s great! Saying goodbye at night is almost intolerable, but otherwise it is really fun. Planning the wedding and reception and honeymoon together has been really exciting and enjoytable. I have liked working together with Ashley on the details! It’s fun to be a team and learn how good we are at making descisions together (by the way I think we’re really good at it.) Today we had luch with newly married Rob and Kimberly Jepson – rob one of my closest friends from high-school. Also, Ben Alvarez and Josh Brown and his girlfriend were there. It was really fun to catch up with those boys and see them and learn about what they are up to and have Ashley be with all of us! She is so fun to be with. It is so neat that we really really really get eachother’s humor and understand each other so well. It is a great blessing from our heavenly father. Ashley is so wonderful. She is blessed with an incredible personality of compassion and humility and truth and honesty. She strengthens me in exactly the ways I need strength. Satan would have me look at our differences as a bad thing and tell me that they make us incompatable.. But what satan is trying to hide from my view, is that our differences are the one of the greatest compliments we have for eachother. Our differences create a great creative tension and strength of diversity. If I am weak in one area that Ashley is strong in, than as long as we remain one, WE are strong in that area. If we can remain connected and confidently One flesh, we can never be beaten!

This last week was a good week. By process of push and pull and up and down, Ashley and I grow closer everyday. I kind of have Christian Bale batman voice right now, because I am sick and my throat is really horse. Today, Debra Lowe called me and offered Ashley and I 1,000$ towards our honeymoon! Heck Yeah! So we’ve been talking about what cruise we want to go on! It is so cool to be such good friends with Ashley . . . As I trepidatiously let down my guard I find that I am rewarded, the more that I let us be friends.

Um . . . So I’m taking 2 psych classes, a dance class with Ashley (love it) and a French class and a Book of Mormon class. I have reresolved to try really hard and work really hard on my work. It’s also good to be working really hard on my work because it helps distract me from being engaged!

Had a great talk with my mom this morning for a bout 2 hours. Our relationship has become so wonderful over the last months. I really feel that we are friends and that we listen to eachother. I legitimately like spending time with her a lot. She is a great lady who is really giving and awesome and has her querks just like all the rest of us.

Sometimes I miss the Rodgers’.

MID-SEMESTER TIMES

Roller-coaster of emotions had a little come-back this week. But as always things got much better afterward. Ashley and I had one of those hard conversations, and I beleive it has truely strengthened us. I have been working really extra hard on school this week! It is interesting for me to see that if I want to be a serious student it takes A LOT of time! Life is really neat: School, love, work, love, homework, love, working out and love. It's a neat regimine. Sometimes I have so much to say untill I actually start writing and then I have nothing to say. . .

4 MONTHS HUH? . . . okay?

Well my one week back from Boston with my fiancee has been totally awesome! We've had lots of time to just enjoy each other and that has been really relaxing and nice. We've done lots of fun stuff together and had time to just be us. Good times. Our wedding plans are almost done, that is really exciting! It's hard to decided whether I think 4 moths is really FAR away . . . or really SOON. I don't know. I am so excited to get married, that it is a good thing school is starting so I have something else to think about. Last night Ashley and I went to an Imagine Dragons concert at the Velour, and they were totally rocking sweet awesome! Things have been great.

SOME PEOPLE LIKE KISSING, I GUESS . . .

REUNITED or PRESIDENT MURRAY, THE WISE SAGE

Oh man it is so great to be back together, reunited in full engaged glory. I really feel like an engaged couple. On saturday night, ashley came to pick me up from the airport, she had her hair straightened and she was wearing this new tourquoise shirt she had bought in cali and she was lookin' so fine. And it was incredibly un-freekin-real to see her and smell her and hold her and hear her voice again. We drove home from the airport, laughing and being so overjoyed. Then we went out into the park and layed on a blanket and held eachother for a long time. We may or may not have kissed a little. I really like the timpanogus temple and I am really excited that that is where we are getting married! It is a beautiful and sacred place!

On sunday we went with Meredith and Aurora to Lehi to see the Oger Mountain temple dedication, which was awesome and spiritual, and then to Gma and Dados for a lovely evening. Dado and I made breakfast for dinner for the girls and we all laughed and looked at old pictures of people in my extended family. What did we do that night? I can't remember . . . but it was fun. Oh yeah, we looked at pictures of Summer (our neice) and then read some talks by general authorities in our marriage prep packet. . . and felt the frustration of the engaged couple.

Monday (yesterday) Ashley and I read some scriptures then we went and looked at a place we are considering having as our reception hall for December. That was fun. After that, Ashley ran off to go get her dress worked on and I went to go look at a honeymoon place for us called "the Hines mansion." I thouroughly enjoyed, of course, the most expensive room called "the pent house." What can I say, we really do have expensive taste! It is kind of wierd to be making all of these decisions and discussing all of these things! It kind of seems like we are make believing, in that I really don't feel old enough to actually be planning my own wedding with my own fiancee. In fact, in a way it's sort of feels like Ashley and I are planning the wedding of like a mutual friend or something. Hmmmm . . . After that, we went to the mall and looked at man rings for me. I am drawn to the most plain and simple ones, I am not sure why exactly. Then we went to another store and got some lace for Ashleelee's wedding dress, which I was not allowed to look at then to a video store. Then we went to Meredith's apartment and rescued her from a crazy pool party. We all had FHE about the purpose of life and watched all 25 thousand minutes of Doggie Poo. I got to give Meredith a priesthood blessing to help her prepair for school. Then Ashley and I went home and had some awesome scalp massages! (Avec a little bisouing acec longes?)

So while I was with Erin in Boston, we took a day road trip to Philadelphia and it was really great! It really wasn't a very extensive or inclusive trip, in that we really only had time to stop in one city and didn't really see anybody from Philly, but it was well worth it. The main reason that I wanted to go was that I wanted to see my old mission president, President Murray and get his advice on my impending day of marriage covenanting! We did arrive at his house and the counsel and advice he gave me really put my heart and mind at peace and helped me feel preparied and calm(er). I love this man. He is such a great guy. He told me lots of really valuable information that helped me on my way, but the most effective thing he did for me is this. As I explained many of my concerns and fears and doubts and desires and things, he listened very intently. Then when I was done and he offered a few solutions and then expressed that I really just needed to calm down. President said he would like to release me from my worries and doubts and fears with a vote of thanks. He raised his right hand and then asked "all in favor?" He reminded me to raise my right hand as well. He then proceeded to thank me for all the great worrying I had assumed to responsibility of doing and explained that that responsiblity would now fall on someone else's shoulders. We chuckled a little bit at his LDS joke. But really, that imagery was powerful to me. I have felt very realxed since then and I am determined to be calm and feel happy and realize that really it is not necessary to worry any more. I have felt so peaceful and happy and capable and confident for these past few days! Thank you wise sage president Murray. The Meca we made to see you was fully worth the trip.

B is STILL FOR BOSTON

Well . . . okay Ashley and I promised eachother that we would never be apart again for more than 3 days. Being separated is getting kind of dumb. But in other news, I went shopping today at H&M and Kenneth Cole and American Apparel and this cool place called ZARA. I am putting together what I like to call, the "new husband" ward robe and I am very excited. I had a good time being alone and just having fun at the shops in Boston on Newberry St. So . . . tomorrow we are going to Philadelphia, the land of my mission, and I am really realy real feaaahhhooopallllllltop excited. (sometimes when I get really excited, that neccesitates the creation of a new word, you know what I mean?) We will be staying with my mission president, Micheal Murray in Broomall and I can't wait to get his advice on the marriage thing!

1 WEEK AWAY IS ONE WEEK TOO LONG!

TEXTS 3

(ashley) 1. I want to marry you andrew beck!
2. Not enough beer in the world andrew. I was wondering when we might see your super powers (may 12)
3. Haha. I must do productive things now. That was fun.
4. Later tigerlily.
5. Oh no, i just found out that there is incest way backin my family. Crazy southerners.
6. Someone just rolled up with a licence plate that says "I preach."
7. It was a cadalac. Mostly girls but with boys when i played sports. Why?
8. I saw a goat eating meredith's lost hamburger bun and i wrestled him to the groundand slayed him for dinner. Meredith is now content.
9. You are such a creeper. Make sure you don't say hi to the janitor. We are lost in the sticks on our way to get some good eatins.
10. You know what's better to do in the sticks? Kiss . . . A lot! Maybe your could write a song abou that. Amen. Halleluia.
11. You know, that's basically the basis to pretty much every country song ever written.
12. Did you take them? They probably belonged to another one of the one eyed monster's victums.
13. 2 hours is not that long, what brand are they?
14. We are still lost, it is rediculous.
15. Oh on please help, we are way past the exploring part. There are confederate flags and road kill everywhere.
16. We made it! Halleluia. Now i need food.
17. I only see one. You are using the bathroom.
18. I have decided that you can't wait to be in my prescence, kiss me, hold me, and look at me.
19. We are looking at two owls sitting on our back yard fence.
20. Just because you wanted to eat the fish at the aquarium doesn't meen i want to eat the owls in the back yard.
21. Fine just reading.
22. I'm going to finish it. Seriously. 24 hours!
23. You asked me if my heart could continue beating without you by my side.
24. I try.
25. Ditto. I'm just playing the guitar and learning a new song.
26. (Ben) Ha ha ha ha how could i forget. I really liked playing with you today. I'll miss you while you are
gone. :-(
27. I heart you. Zooheart you that is
28. Luv you andy
28.5 I love you! You are the best! Also i love you
29. (Ash) Call me when you land.
30. Hey babe. Me and meredith are doing errands today. Call me if you wanna join us.
31. I like you more than you know. Let's get married. Everyone else is doing it! (Jun 13)
32. Timing is just down right evil!
33. I already ate but i would love to be with them.
34. You're welcome. I haven't received a post expirience text in a long time.
35. Can't wait my beauty.
36. Don't joke. I will keep being clever if that's what it takes. I'm a rebel like that. (Jun 16)
37. I want to incubate you in my warm nest of bird feather love forever, I love you too.
38. Consider yourself lucky. It's easier to clean up than poo.
39. Almost as exciting as eating a fruity lollipop and pooping out rainbows?
40. Of course. I want you to keep me forever.
41. Really really!
42. I guess I'm going to have to put you in a jar. Life in love with a liquid isn't going to be easy. Great.
43. In the shadow of a train?
44. I love you Andrew!
45. Wait . . . but like, i just want to say that i care so much about you and i want you to be happy and i think you are the greatest man ever.
46. ...That you complete me.
47. Planning my future again. I love it.
48. Thinking of you my sweetheart. Kisses!
49. (said in a deep black man's voice) well sometimes i get the menstrual cramps real hard.
50. Sometimes you gotta clank clank too?
51. Pour tojours.
52. Forever. Directly translated - for always.
53. Andrew died from over incubation. We just got locked out of our bathroom. No one was in it. Creepy. It's all good though.
54. Jyes.
55. U too sexy! (Jul 7)
56. You mean i have hots for you, no?
57. Could you be available from about 3 until you leave for work? My friends want to meet you.
58. Les vacances de printemps, quoi!
59. Shut up! Hott!

B IS FOR BOSTON

Well life has been so crazy that I haven't written here in my journal of the web for WAY too long! I have been really really focused on my schooling and especially my testing as the semester has been coming to a close! I am so grateful for Ashley helping me study! She is such a patient and awesome instructor! I love that girl! I GOT AN A- on my french final YEAH!!!!! I can't really say as much for my book of mormon final . . . but what can you do? The past weeks have been really really cool. Lots of learning and questioning and excitement and intrigue and confusion and wonder and love. Yesterday I arrived here in boston massachusettes to see Erin and Leslie. On the plane and in the airport I read an entire book called "The Act of Marriage: the beauty of marital intimacy" basically an instructional book on sexuality between husband and wife and it was really wonderful . . . and by wonderful I mean interesting . . . and by interesting I mean . . . that I am glad I read it. Many of the things taught to me I'm sure would have taken years to understand otherwise. okay!
Boston has been really fun so far. Last night we ate some pizza and I told Leslie and Erin all about how Ashley and I got engaged and stuff like that. Then we toured their house and went to bed? Yeah. Ashley called me . . . and then Erin and Leslie and I looked at pictures of Ashley's wedding ring on the internet and THEN I went to bed. Today, we went on a run around boston a little bit and they showed me this amazing Korean movie called "doggie poo". You need to check it out for yourself. This is such a great time for me to relax my mind and body and spirit.
BOSTON WITH US FOREVER WITH YOU . . . HELLO!
Ashley and I are reluctantly but excitedly rediscovering our telephone relationship that we developed when she went home for surgery. It's actually kind of fun, I forgot that I really like talking to her on the phone. She has a really pretty voice and when she is forced to communicate only verbally, she is really witty and entertaining. I love that girl.

BIG MISTAKE!!!

(it's not what you think) Sometimes I am so smart! Ashley had apparently asked me if she could read my blog and in my adolescent awkwardness I agreed and then she found out about me having the ring which is a big disaster, not really, but just not as surpriseatory as I had originally hoped. Antyway (madea style), engaged life has been like dating life except I have had no time to spend with Ashley at all this week because of school and work and other crazyness! And her ring was stolen away to be resized, but the evening that we were REALLY engaged, was WAY cool. The next day was kind of tender, we kept calling eachother "fiancee" it was cute. UM! I'd like to refer you to her blog to get the full scoop on how the engagement went. We are a very literarily blessed couple (in that we are both astute writers) but I like the way she explains it better, so go check it out!

Sometimes I blame things on an old gypsie woman passing by! BIG MISTAKE!!! Um I have lots of crazy testing to do in French this and next week. Work has been cool, and Ashley and I have been un peu distant. I am trying to not be so codependant. I guess we all have a bit of growing up to do, huh? The ring comes back tomorrow, I miss it!

ME BECOMES ENGAGED . . .

Last night was the most incredible night of my life. . . I am too excited to write!

THE BIG DAY - mr. ring comes tonight!

Well, I am so excited that I can't even stand it! My ring is the best in the state! I have been to every ring store ever in the county and I have learned all there is to know! CUT COLOR CLARIT"Y CARROT, baby! Yeah! The ring I bought is a vintage style pouve Eddy Z designer setting with a 1.1 carrot princess cut stone set on point. I in color and SI-1 with an near invisible inclusion in the conrner. Whoa I am going to pick it up tonight and then I just seriously need to figure out how to propose to ashley because I want to SO soon! I am so greatful to my heavenly father for being undyingly patient with me and laways helping me no matter what are my fears and concerns! I am so happy in my life and although many times I will still have doubts, I know He will be my support and lead me along!

Last night ashley and I studyed french for like 50 hours and I am so greatful for her patience and willingness to help, she is so great! Last night I thanked her for giving me so much of her time and she said "I'd rather hang out with you than anyone else." And although I knew it was true, I loved hearing it out of her mouth.

So I have started a new excersie routine! I go to the gym every morning before class and then show up to class all sweaty and gym shortsy . . . and It's great. I also do a long run every day! I want to present the best body possible to Ashley when we get married, and thereafter. I think my body has been a long neglected part of me for too long and it feels good and more in balance for me to be more aware of it.

INCUBATION STATION

This week has been awesome! I really feel like Ashley and I have fallen into a good groove of things. It's like we're comfortable but progressing forward! I bought a ring two days ago! Yeah me, I bought a ring - everything and part of it was on sale - it was 3100 dollars - I was expecting to pay more to be honest. UM! Today me and Ashley had a lot of fun, we went to the Fortune Chinese all you can eat restaurant and it was really fun. We laughed and talked about the good old times like always. Tonight I went on a 4-5 mile run . . . it was really far. I am really trying to get my body in gear and ready for Ashley Rodgers. I might propose this weekend - but certainly next week! I just need to figure out how! WHOA! Work is fun. French is hard and fun and I love living in lifetime live living life livers.

MONDAY MORNING

Yesterday (sunday) was just awesome and amazing. Everything was awesome and normal and fine and their were no crisis. Oh happy day! Um we made breakfast together, eggs and grits and then we walked to church together and then church was relaxed and nice and then we made a salad together and then we went to my cousin's Jude and Eliza's where we ate dinner and played the best game ever known to man! BALDERDASH! Then we drove home and picked up my dead car in Lehi. Then we walked together over to my mom's house to drop off some stuff while Ashley was on the phone with JOY talking about us. Then we walked to the caralon bell on campus while I talked to Joy. Then we layed in the grass and talked and laughed and had fun. Then we walked home and talked on her porh untill 1:40 a.m. Beautiful simple and relaxing.

While we were making dinner, I had to run to get somthing at her aparment and she said "I don't want you to leave me." When we were talking on her porch, she said to me "you're eyes are so BEAUTIFUL!!!" Later she said "I don't want you to go home."

I WILL GO, I WILL DO!

So life is certainly so incredible! I love it and I am so grateful for it! I love Ashley Rodgers and I am astounded that heavenly father has given her to me - such a clumsy steward. This past week has been totally awesome! Work has been fun and school has been fine and Ashely and I have been so close this week! Monday night, we had one of those crazy intense emotional conversations . . . I expressed some serious doubts about our compatibility (mostly I was just moping and trying to get attention). We left each other quite upset. I wondered the part crying and praying until 2 in the morning. Ashley did about the same thing in her room. Heavenly Father and I did some real serious talking and he told me to stop being like Laman and Lemuel and doubting his words and answers and puting my reasoning above his. I decided to be like Nephi and try to stop doubting and GO and DO! I am so greatful for that story and the contrasts it teaches! The next day and untill now I have tryed with all my heart to beleive that everything is fine and that there is NO CRISIS! And it has served me well. Sometimes I think that Heavenly Father has given me my struggles JUST so I will learn to turn to Him! And I think if I didn't have them, maybe I wouldn't turn to Him and for that I am greatful for my problems.

Ashley is so sweat to me and good to me! She tries so hard to understand me and occomodate me! I am so amazed at her boundless patience with me and her pure and christlike love for me! I wanna cry when I think about it sometimes. She is undescribable. It is awesome to be in a relationship with her for this long - I have never really gone this long and I have certainly NEVER been so close to someone or trusted someone SO much as I trust her - Our lives our linked so deep now! Who would've guessed what some words at an FHE would turn in to (I went ring shopping again today with Meredith and my Mom)!

Yesterday we went to our bishop's house and spent time with him and his wife and their daughter and her two daughters from colorado. The Little girl we were there to see mainly is named Haley. We have become her college pen pals! Her and her little sister Brecken are SOO tender. We played and ate dinner and did fireworks and just had a great time! I love those guys.

Today we rented 3 movies from BYU for $1.00! And we watched two of them - Fried Green Tomoatoes and Swing Kids. It was fun - Ashley and I are usually pretty active and busy, so it was nice to have a day off and be bums. This weekend we spent some time with Meredith and went swimming with her and watched the Sponge Bob Square Pants movie! I love that girl.

Well, the night grows old and I must go! Life is wonderful, I need to continue to build my self confidence, Ashley Confidence and Jesus Confidence!

LIFE.com

Well I got an A on my first french test which is awesome! I have been playing yo yo with ashley, getting really close and then backing up really fast and then getting even closer and then getting scared and backing up really fast . . . and it's kind of getting rediculous. My mother and I went ring shopping this week and it was really fun. I went last week by myself for the first time and it was seriously enjoyable. It's starting to scare me when ashley treats me nonchalauntly and like I am old news. It is starting to scare me when she is more excited to see other people than me. I know these feelings are so selfish, but I am starting to feel . . . deep deep down, that maybe we want different things. I want a fairytale romance and she just wants someone to fill the role. That frightens me a lot. Of course in other moments I feel much more confident, but such is me. I am moving foward on faith, but FEAR is very very real.

Life is moving on. I wish i could take out sections of my brains and smash them on the ground. Examining my life I can tell that I am WAY overly sensitive and that when I look back on things that have gone by, I realize that I just need to calm down and not read situations SO DANG HARD! I know this is my mental challenge and I pray constantly for the support of the Lord. sometimes I feel that he has blessed me with these challenges just so I can realize that I need to rely on him in a serious way . . . I havn't quite learned yet.

Today Ashley came to my classes with me and seemed kind of apethetic. Then I tried to buy her lunch and she didn't want me to. Then someother things happened and I just wound up kind of feeling rejected overall so I went on a run and worked out - all the while praying that the lord would soften my heart. I need confidence and power and peace.

THURSDAY

Life life life . . . I enjoy my job . . . not particularly the job it's self but I really enjoy the thought that I am making money and being productive and providing a service that is really needed, even though not very impressivce. My mom volunteered in the temple with me last night and it was fun to be able to hang out with her while I was at work. I was back in the dishroom mostly as she worked the line - it was fun - she kept calling me up front to look at different people who she thought were funny looking. I think it's so cool that she wants to share things with me.

So Ashley - I have this strange technique that I belive that psychologists would call anxious attacthement to people. I try to get really really super close, and then in an effort to feel reciporocation or attention, I back off really acutely and try to manupulate people into feeling like "Hey come back! I want you!" There must be a more healthy way to get this kind of attention that does not include running. I am currently running. Yesterday I tried to stay away from Ashley as much as I possibly could . . . why? So that she will want to be close to me. It's really messed up. I am not contacting her during this break between school and work on purpose . . . why? To foster some kind of scarcity. The idea of being with someone all the time really excites/scares me both ALOT!!! I want to be with someone intimately ALL the time - but the idea that I can't do it scares me so I persue and flee that idea in a perpetual whirlpool. It's very strange. I want to just stay close to Ashley all the time (like we were this one glorious week) but inevitably, the trust isn't strong enough and I get pridefull and or scared and or needy and I pull back into my hole like a scared mouse. Moose? Mouse.

I wish that my faith in Jesus Christ was stronger. I wish that my faith in Him would be present all the time so that when fear comes to my mind I could override it with my powerful mind full of faith and belief. I know everything will work out fine so I wish that I would be trusting. Mostly I wish I was more selfish like my saviour. I am truely a deeply selfish person and although I really do love myself, I wish I could let go of my own desires!

WEDNESDAY

These past few weeks with Ashley have been really great! There is most certainly a normal ebb and flow to our relationships. Some days we are really close, some days we are pretty close. Some days we are a little distant, but such is life. Some times I have a hard time accepting that as a human I am incapable of making life perfect all the time . . . but it is time to admit that that is okay. The best couple in the world has an ebb and flow. It's chemical, it's situational, it's just natural. There are so many factors, related and non in our lives that it is only logical that things would be fluid! I really though have been so happy the past few days. Ashley treats me so good! Some times I have to ask - "why are you so good to me?" the other day she answered back - "because you are so good to me." We talked a lot about wedding rings the other day while we were jogging and we really seem to be on the same page!

I started a new job at my old job at the temple yesterday! It feels really good to be working again. I just have a lot less time. . .

IVANS, TAKE 2!

This weekend Ashley and I went to St. George (Ivans) to visit Josh and Candy and Summer and Christian and Seth and Skyler who was getting baptised! Oh it was sooooo good to see them again! When we first arrived (after a 3 hour road trip - nothing in the face of florida to utah) we went to the neighborhood swim center to get the kids. Skyler and Summer jumped emmediately out of the pool to and ran to us and they both (wet as can be) hugged me symoltaniously. I was kinda really surprised by how excited to see me! We all went home and hung out and watched Brian Reagen on DVD who made us laugh so hard that we cried out eyeballs red.
It was amazing and wonderful to be with Josh and Candy again - they are so entertaining and awesome! I was very surprised at how natural it all felt to be back there again. It didn't feel like the second time that I had been there, but maybe the 10th or 12th. I am happy to say I feel like I fit in there very very well. That night, momma and daddy Rodgers arrived and it was very good to see them! Momma gave me a huge hug and they both remarked that they really missed me a lot which I felt was very genuine. They are such a good family at helping you feel welcome . . . My family is not the very best at that. Meredith and her new boyfriend Ryan came later. At night Ashley and Meredith went and slept at Shaleen's and Ryan and I stayed at Josh and Candy's. On Saturday we went to the baptism early and practiced our musical # (it makes me so happy to do musical #s with Ashley and Meredith but really especially Ashley - it's so cool when we work together using our awesome talents.) The baptism was beautiful and went perfectly and smoothly. We hung out saturday afternoon and went on a scenic walk down this cool alley way with beautiful flowers in Ivans and then that night we watched a UFC match on T.V. at candice's sister's house. It was really fun and some strange primevil part of me that secretly wants to kill and eat a deer raw with my bare hands really enjoyed the spinning and the kicking and the hurting. We all made predictions on who would win and ashley and I were right all accept for 2 times. We decided that the more physically attractive fighter usually wins somehow - maybe it's intimidation? I really enjoyed myself.
That night we went home and I talked with Candice for like a half of an hour about what it is like to get married and what it is like to be engaged. The next day was sunday. I talked to Josh about what he thought about wedding rings and getting engaged. He skipped his primary meeting to come with me to priesthood. That evening we all just went on walks and made dinner together and had lots of fun! It was an incredibly great expirience! I just felt so confident in my relationship with ashley, to me we seemed so connected and peaceful! I loved it! I am greatful to my heavenly father for helping me grow up.
Today I went ring shopping for the first time and found some awesome rings that would cost me 3 grand!

BAPTISMS FOR THE DEAD (a good habit)

Yesterday was a fabulous day! I have been praying with all of my heart these last few days that I will be able to drop my pride and selfishness and just be able to focus on loving Ashley and giving her all of myself without being afraid or protected. I want us to have the kind of love that does not have pockets of fear bubbling in and out. I have been pleading with my father in heaven to help me to have faith and not worry! And yesterday a lot of those prayers were answered. I was in my book of mormon class, that I love and the spirit taught me some precious truths about how I need to open up my heart and be accepting and nurturing of people no matter how they treat me! The spirit taught me that when I doubt marrying Ashley, I am doubting the answer to my prayer on the hill - and when I do that, I am doubting the source of the prayer - and when I do that, I am exhibiting a lack of faith in the Saviour Jesus Christ. I have read all the books, talked to all the people, done all the research and soul serching neccisary - now it is just time for me to grow up and act on FAITH! Having faith does not mean that we will wait untill heavenly father to reveals somthing to us in full before we act on it. Faith is the distance between the dark hallway (that we cannot see and are unsure of) and the bright doorway heavenly father has promissed is there (possibly out of sight). Faith is the part that you do without assurance - TRUSTING the father to bless protect and love you. It is time for me to act on faith.
Yesterday Afer my french class, I read the updates on Ashley's blog about our relationship. It made me sooooooo happy! I love this amazing birthday gift she has given me. It is so wonderful to me to be able to delve into her feeling like that and see how she thinks and is. It is [priceless! I laughed and felt so happy after I read it. Then I went home and snuck into her room (alone) and layed on her bed and read a letter that I wrote to her when she was in Florida! Oh man it was awesome. We both love eachother SO much! Sometimes we just need to be better at expressing it confidently, you know?
After that my mother and I picked out temple clothes. After that, Ashley and I met up at the provo temple and did baptisms and confirmations. The spirit touched my heart so much! I was filled with joy to the point where I started laughing a few times. I love Ashley so much, she is such an incredible woman. In the temple, I told her that I was going to marry her in december (something we have been trying to see eye to eye on). Things just felt so right and good.
Later we studyied for my french test and she made me grits for dinner as an incentive. I love studying with her. She is a really good teacher and rewards me alot when I am correct . . . tee hee hee. I pray that we can exist on that same level of companionship always.

BACK IN P-TOWN

WOW I haven't written in far too long! I apologize! Not writing in my journal is a symptom of ingratefulness, forgettfullness, not having a computer-ness and ashley being back in Utah-ness. Our trip to florida was amazing. It was really good and also really hard at some times. Ashley and I learned incredibly important stuff about ourselves, eachother and our relationship. It was overall an extreemely positive expirience! I had so much fun and am extreemely greatful to have been able to spend so much time getting to know her family in an intimate way.

After florida has been very interesting as well. We have been a bit back and forth, trying to establish an intimate connection with eachother. We have drawn very very close, sharing personal and sensitive information. We have backed up, fearing and becoming defensive. We have been on a very great journey so far together. Honestly sometimes I feel as though we have been together for 5 years instead of 5 months. I have had only one other relationship this long and it ended up 1.5 years long - with Whitney. I am greatful to learn about what it means to serve, please and accomodate eachother. I have expirienced greater joy in this relationship than anywhere else in my life - I have also expirienced greater fear, here than ever before.

What I am learning now, is the pricelessness of focusing on Ashley and others and trying my very darndest (with the help of the Lord) to not focus inwardly on myself!

FLORIDA - land of love

It's been really fun and really scary and really great and really amazing and really terrifying and really amazing and really telling and really perfect and really not at all what I expected! Someone told me that I should keep a good journal while I was out here . . . so that's exaclty what I didn't do.

What I have learned:

1. People are so incredibly different! It's amazingly more than you think . . . people are crazy different!

2. So much stuff about who Ashley is and how her personality works.

3. What the south is all about and where the slow life comes from.

4. Who the Rodgerses are and how I like them SO much and want to hang out with them forever!

5. The Rodgerses are the most talented muscial theatre family in the world

6. Asking Fathers if you can marry their daughters is kinda scary - but really rewarding!

7. Southern food is amazing.

8. A lot of crazy stuff about myself - I can go into detail later.

9. How I have chosen a really hardcore and serious path for my life, and how the option is mine to back down and live an easier life. But how it will really be worth it.

10. etc. etc. etc.

11. Oh yeah, and just this morning I was reading the blog that ashley made for my birthday, which made me so happy that I cried when I read it. Um . . . I learned that I must not take life for granted and that I must see life moment to moment and live in the moment because a big source of dissatisfaction in human life is making too many expectations and then them getting blown. I learned that I must be greatful for what is happening now. Reading the past of our relationship showed me that I expect a lot now, that would have been thrilling extra stuff then. And that helped me shift my paradigm a big bit. I have just always been way to "sensitive" ever since I was a little boy. I assign meening to every little thing, look, word, touch and everything else that happens - I am overly annylitical and that has been a serious detriment in my life! Now is the time to stop that nonsense!

TRAVEL LOG

Saturday - Came and picked me up from the airport, went to dinner at crackerbarrell, ashley gave me a birthday present (a blog about our relationship)
Sunday - Early morning church, Meredith showed us her Les Mis performance, Read scriptures
Monday - Veterans day - ashley took me to chetts grave and showed me her highschool, junior high, and elementary school, then the whole family went with me to Cedar Key and we ate lunch at the ocean breeze resteraunt and walked around and looked at pelicans
Tuesday -

For a more compleate version . . . see ashley's blog!

GAINSVILLE - TITLETOWN - LAND OF MY HEART

I am alive! I made it! One month=four weeks=28 day! And now I am here having the most amazing time of my life! I cannot express how happy I am to be here with this incredible family! I am so happy to be with Ashley again oh my goodness I realy don't even want to try to express how happy I am now! They are really going out of their way to treat me like a king! I'm sure they would do no less for anyother guest, but I feel extreemely blessed to be in the company of such hospitable, kind, funny, loving and nuturing people. I am so greatful to God for my happy life. Sometimes I just want to die and end life on this triumphal and gubilous note! Okay but living is way more exciting than dying because the future is more intreguing than anything in the world! Ashley makes me so happy and fullfilled and satisfied, and I do the same for her. Tonight she told me how I meet all of her needs and she just feels so happy. Tonight I revealed to her that God had told me that I should marry her. We sat on the swing out by the pool and talked excitedly for an hour or so. She stared me deep in my eyes. We did some soul talking for while. Today we went to Olino State Park which was this amazingly cool tropical place that was like Jurrassic park kind of . . . but with no dinosaurs. It was such beautiful country. Now I've seen what Florida is really like and it is incredible. The whole place is green; greener than you can imagine, it's like everything is getting watered 24 7 because of the humidity. I really like this place. Even the humidity just reminds me fondly of my mission. I have been here for 3 days. I don't have time to explain tonight how things have been, but I have promissed myself I will tommorow. Tonight we went to Lake Alice and looked for Aligators . . . which we did see. A small one, and kind of far off, and I didn't bring my glasses, but they promised a better one later. Um, Then we just walked up the hill a little bit, to where the bat house was and at dusk we wittnessed the mexican freetailed bats fly out of their house and into the night sky! What a sight, 50 billion of them, flying in the same pattern, almost as if they were smoke rising. Really cool realization of a childhood dream. We drove in Ashley's dad Larry's Mustang Rousche because it is black and sexy and looks like the batmobile.

Then we came home and Ashley and I did that thing where I read her the entry entitled "revelation on the hill" and it was fun. Then I read her some more entries and we cuddled for a long time. Oh life! Okay more tommorow!

ONE . . . MORE . . . DAY . . .

BIRTHDAY BASH 2 DAYS EARLY AT THE LIVING PLANET AQUARIUM

Yesterday I had a really exciting outing with my fairy Godmother, Debra Lowe. Debra Lowe is a celebrity personality in my life. We met 10 years ago, when she was my junior highschool science teacher. We became freinds and have been hanging out and doing awesome projects together ever since then!
She came and picked me up from my apartment yesterday and took me to lunch at the california pizza kitchen, where I had tostada of course - me and Ashley's fav. Then we opened some really nice presents she had bought me for my trip to florida. She gave me a new digital camera, an MP3 player, some sun screen, toothbrushing stuff, and some other really nice things.
Then we drove to Sandy, Utah and went to "The Living Planet Aquarium" which was awesome. She bought me a membership so I could take Ashley Rodgers there. I was really impressed by the octopus and the jellyfish - so alien and delicate and strangely attractive.
Then Debra came and listened to me and Ben have practice for ZOOHEART . . . I have an indie-rock and roll band. Ben is my long long time best freind and drummer. We fixed up 2 new songs that ROCKED! It was really a great practice, we were both just really feeling it and we got a lot done and laughed a whole bunch!
Later Debra and I went back to my apartment and she helped me pack for florida. She is such an incredible friend. I wish I could really explain all the awesome stuff she has done for me over the years. I classify her as my fairy god mother because that is the closest description to what we are to eachother. She, in a totally removed an unselfish way helps me make my dreams come true! She makes the pumpkin into a carriage, everytime! She ROCKS speaking of ROCKING! Hablo del Diablo!
I talked to Ashley over the phone last night, as always . . . oh that woman! I am so in love with her. I really don't know what is going to happen tommorow when I see her. Am I going to explode? Am I going to go into cardiac arrest? Am I going to scream and pass out? Am I going to pee (well of course) my pants? I don't know. What is she going to do? I can't even imagine. This trip is going to be SO FUN that I am seriously having a hard time picturing it! I can't even really imagine what it is going to be like. . . so I should stop trying because I keep just imagining like lepracauns and unicorns and stuff that isn't real at all . . .

MMMMMMORE TEXTS

1. Ah dang! Are u serious? It's okay because we get lots of thunderstorms in florida, so be patient. (May 1)
2. How sweet. I better watch out. I think he has a crush on you.
3. Oh good. It's just hard when so many people find my boyfriend sexy and i can't be around him to show him that i think so too!
4. I told you mister! You are forbidden from reminding me how crazy hott you are right now and will be in the future. Patience is downright evil.
5. I want to marry you andrew beck! (May 2)
6. Oh my gosh so sweet! I agree.*
7. Why thank you baby. I did get the best anatomy award.
8. Katie is so down with finishing our 4th grade song and doing a music video.
9. How tender
10. Oh sweety i was yours the moment you sang that song to me. Just say it's me that you adore cuz i can't wait a moment more.
11. To a joy beyond compare!! Quando? Oh like right now.
12. Haha. What does a bromance exactly include?
13. In other words, he is beckoning you to come home and catch him with nothin on but the tv.
14. Babies? #@%* yeah. They would be the most attractive kids ever. Oh and they'd be kind. Respectful, and all that stuff too.
15. I love you for my life cuz you're a friend of mine. My best.
16. Whoa so when did buble become mormon? Wait so if he is we might need to take some time apart and I'll need to go and date him.
17. Oh good. Justin was also on my stars gone mormon dating list. Just kidding boo. You are more of a dreamboat than either of them.
18. Oh no! Awkward lauren and gavin relationship. Don't worry i'm entertaining my self by finding the most gorgeous engagement ring ever.
19. Yeah they did. It doesn't matter what it is. All you need to know is that there is a pretty ring involved ;)
20. Sure. What are you guys doing? I hope gavin isn't trying to get u to do weed with him.
21. Way to stay above the influence. Jerk! Don't look to attractive in your swim suit.
22. Yes my love.
23. Night baby.
24. What was the most responsible thing you did yesterday besides not losing your wallet?
25. Great job! Oh my polka dotted flowers ands rainbow stars, greys anatomy is soo crazy good! I cried.
26. You broke into my room again. My perfume does smell delectable. Btw you can take my computer for your personal use.
27. Oh do I ever! I had a dream that i kissed you on the grass in my backyard. Not as good as real life. (May 8)
28. Well if my dreams were the only place i could see you then i'd sleep forever.
29. Nope. I was walking down the street the other day and a crazy bum stopped me to tell me that as he handed me a dead rabbit.
30. No that was just me lying and giving a cooler version of how I found it instead of me sayint that i got it from the internet.
31. Those would be great lyrics to the next utah state song. One problem, i can't run but if i could i would run to you.
32. Who is we? Food? I like food!
33. Oh yes, alejandro as meredith calls him. Oh snap i miss you guys and ia need some costa vida lovin.
34. Are you jammin out to that song?
35. I just totally finished your bday present and am gonna eat some ice cream.
36. Well that's rather foward of you mr. Beck. I just told my mom the story of dessert in the back seat. She thought it was funny.
37. Yeah my parents are cool with kissing and affection. It's only natural. Remember that they became members in their teens.
38. I'm going crazy right now. Oh crap i need to touch you after seeing the hotness in your highschool video!
39. Listen, if you sang that to me that could probably cause things to get out of controll and i just can't take that chance with you.
40. Oh yeah, deffinetly okay with me.
41. Like Aurora's little sister? It's cute, kinda country. and has an adorable nickname, addy. I think I like it.
42. Your fingers are phalangelicious!
43. Your eyes are mysteriously fantasmic.
44. Okay you win. You are too clever.
45. No please enlighten me.
46. Too bad they aren't that cold in florida.
47. I love you my handsomehottcuteness!
48. You should probably put some pants on if you want to continue fighting evil today andrew.
49. What are you going to do? you could take them back. I'm laying out at the moment.
50. My dad loves it and i'm quite taken with it. My great grandma just died an hour ago. She was 97.
51. Well i saw her once a year so i wasn't really close. We were waiting for her to die. She was at hospice.
52. Grandma vaughn. She is my preacher grandma's mom. I'm super hot in the sun and i'm sweating a ton.
53. I've decided that my arm hair is digusting and i't shaving it off in 1 hour.
54. Dear lumpy, you are hotter! Love Ashley's mouth
55. Sometimes it takes a child to point out the obvious. You are my favoright person in the whole entire world.
56. [besa me] freakin mucho. so much drama right now in my family.
57. I'll tell you about it later. Just stuff with meredith. The usual. I'm their favoright kid.
58. No she didn't. She thinks she has intimacy issues when all she really neads is a ncmo. Oh i love surprises!
59. Oh don't I know it! You are so sweet.
60. Since I tell you i love you can i keep you forever? (may 17)
61. Ok babe!
62. The hairs are cut and looking really healthy and fabulous. They need to be caressed by you.
-- - - - - - - - --
A few other people:
1. (aaron mcCausland) I heard you were forming a new band. It looks fun and i have musical talent. I lack wardrobe talent but that can be fixed.
2. so if you like the idea, i think it'd be fun to jam with you guys. I'm more of a singer and only know tuba & irish penny whistle
3. *(Mom) You may not yet have mastered reliability but you have qualities to offer a marriage partner that other men will never posses in a lifetime of trying.
4. The list is too long to enumerate. But sometime in a contomplative moment we can consider it.
5. (Aurora) My love! How was your monday? I just wanted you to know that my song is getting close so i will send it to you soon. Also, thank you for encouraging me so much in music. It really means so much to me when you have confidence in me and help me. I love you!
6. (Erin)Thanks for you r msg. kind of what I needed exactly to boost my day. love you. send pics.
7. (DJ) Where are you? Both of our ladies are across the country, we need to be having the bromance of the century!
8. (Mer) Lol aww thanks andrew that made my day. i love you like trolls love attacking willow!
9. I love you like mad martigan loves dressing as a woman!
10. (Aurora)Hey! I love you :)
11. (Christ M.) Hot dang! I'll boil up some sheep dip.
12. (Mandy) Momma sana, dada sona, papa sona, loddy sona . . .
13. (KC) I had a dream that we were writing puerto villarta. Pretty fun.

4 MORE DAYS - or - REVELATION ON THE HILL

I went to the hill yesterday. This hill is frought with history and memories, for Ashley, Meredith and I. They loved this hill even from before I was in the picture. . . and now that they're gone, it is my hill. I go there to think and feel peaceful and pray to heavenly father. From the hill you can see the provo temple pretty well . . . I was there last night during the most peacefulk sunset, reading my book - the seven pricipals of making marriage work by john gottman, by the way I only have 25 pages left and I will finish it today, and I decided to ask heavenly father some questions. I was going to explain to him that this week, I was planning on going to the temple, to ask Him seriously about marrying Ashley. But before I could really begin describing it, the spirit came over me and enveloped my mind in teaching - in a flash of intelligence, the spirit told me that I have made considerable ground and progress in the two areas heavenly father had seen fit for me to improve before he would give me an answer about Ashley. . . Number one: you need to become a responsible human being. . . Secondly, you need to become a little bit more emotionally grown up." Remember that? Well on the hill in a moment of power, the spirit recounted to me how I have been really improving in those areas.
It showed me that the recent AMAZING progress I have been making over the past few months in the relationship with my mother is GREAT evidence that I am growing up emotionally (other things it told me were evidence as well). It also showed me how I have been working so hard on using my planner and scheduling things and being on time to things and writing in my journal and remembering things and becoming much more responsible (Side note: not that I am done growing in either of these areas, I just have made some great strides). So after the spirit showed me this, I expressed gratitude and then I began to ask the question: "So then, father . . . the only thing that holds me back from deciding to marry Ashley is I want your approval . . . Father - " and before I could really finish the question, I felt that heavy warmth enter my chest. The familiar spirit of confirmation of the Holy Spirit! Oh I love that feeling! I think I laughed and said "well okay" or somthing. Then it got stronger and almost overwhelmed me. I cryed and laughed and stood up on the hill and sang a really loud note to the world and I felt SO HAPPY! The holy ghost is a foretaste of what the celestial kingdom will be like (says preach my gospel) and the joy I felt only can be a peace of that glory!
OH MY LIFE IS AMAZING! The spirit has wittnessed to me that I should marry Ashley Elizabeth Rodgers and now I am so excited! Oh it's so fantastic to have that knowledge in my heart! I feel so powerful and I feel like nothing can make me hurt or afraid! WOW! Amazing things . . .

1 MORE WEEK

I've written 3 songs about ashley in the past few days! I love the way she inspires me to create and is my muse for creation! She is wonderful in every way! "I am really over just talking on the phone with you" she says. I feel the same way. This has been a great expirience . . . and now I am ready to be together again! To look in eachother's eyes and hold eachother and touch eachother and all that cool stuff . . . and even just all that not that cool stuff, like being able to smell her, or see her out of the corner of my eye, or know that we are in the same state even if we're not together. I miss it all. I bought some seriously skinny skinny jeans yesterday . . . probably the most expensive purchase of my life. Um, money is a funny thing. I'm sure I'll understand it some day . . . question mark.
Sometimes it seems like Ashley is just a story and that I'm going to have a beautiful mind moment and wake up and realize that she is only a "figment of me imagination" or an "unidentified flying cupcake" to quote ringo star in 1968's 'the Yellow Submarine'. It's hard to remeber that she's not just a voice. Sometimes I lick the phone.
I recently have been having really good scripture studies again in the morning! I am happy to report this, as it has been too long. My days have been much much more meaningful and awesome since I have started doing that again! I was reading my scriptures all along . . . but there's a difference between reading and studying, you know?! I have delved back into studying preach my gospel and it's great!
DJ, my roomate, and I have been playing a lot of soccer and working out and laying out working on our spring fittness plan - "BODY DIVINE, SPRING '09" - and it has been a really fun way to spend our time. Only now when my love is billions of miles away do I spend time getting to know some boys . . . figures.

PATIENCE

about 8 more days untill I see Ashley again - OH THE GLORY! I can be patient! Patience is a virtue . . . Patience is awesome! I love patience! Patience is so cool - do you know what the coolest thing is about patience? EVERYTHING!

CONFIDENCE

I was reading a journal from the end of high school the other night, and it was very interesting to say the least. Looking back and hearing the angry and upset words of that character, the me of the past, I had a hard time identifying with who he was. To me he seemed so negative, so inwardly focused, so sinacle and wrong. I always admired people who have been solidly themsleves their whole lives, like my Ashley, but I am not like that! I am so greatful to my heavenly father to see that I have changed so much! The atonement is a magic power that creates something out of nothing and makes somthing into something WAY better! The character that lives inside of me now is compleately different than the character than the character that exists in me now . . . it's almost difficult for me to reconcile the difference.
One major difference that I have noticed in them, is that one of them lacked confidence in a HUGE way! In reading his ranting and raving of self-doubt, I realized that I have no reason to not have confidence (side note: this has been a struggle for me, most of my life and I belive that I have really had a break through through this expirience with my highschool journal)! Everything he complained about seemed rediculous to me - and untrue to boot! I realized that behind his mask of fear and need, he was just fine. He was great and had SO much to be greatful for! It really helped me look at my situation and realize that I have permission to just let go compleately and finally of my self-consiousness. I am an awesome person and I am just like everyone else - in the best way possible. I am tottally acceptable and fit into this worlds sociality. Infact, I am above average and need not quesion myself any longer! What a wonderful thing for me!
Okay, sort of related . . . The other night, our ward had on opening social on in Kiwannas park. I recalled how Ashley told me the story of last years opening social and how she had just played football with the boys this time. In an effort to be more like her and to be more confident, I opted to play football with the boys. Of course my skill wasn't as honed as theirs . . . I haven't played football since like juniour high, but it was really fun! I loved running and guarding and rushing . . . I even scored a touchdown! YEAH! Then after that, I played soccer with some other people in the ward and scored a goal! I am really proud of myself. I bet I have what it takes in me to play sports, I have just run from them during my life because of fears and insecurities . . . which are now leaving me! LOOK OUT EVERYBODY!

LOVE STATS

A conclusive review of the Love of Andrew and Ashely
Sept. 7th - First met . . . Ashley approached Andrew and told him that his piano musical number at church was very good.

Oct. 26th - (Desert night on the back deck) Andrew told Ashley that she was beautiful and she said that he had beautiful eyes and that she thought he was attractive too.

Oct. 27th - Hung out for the first time after FHE . . . talked a lot on the couch, and then caught an open mic night show on the other side of chattham.

Feb. 5th - First official date: Andrew took Ashley to the little theatre cooking class at Macey's . . . afterwords, they sat on Andrew's car and enjoyed some deserts.

Feb. 11th - The night of the Paso Doble: Ashley took Andrew to a french movie at international cinema. After the movie, Ashley taught Andrew the steps to the Paso Doble (during which, he fully lost his heart). Andrew asked Ashley to share what was on her mind - she admitted that she had strong feelings for Andrew; he reciprocated and they decided to pray about whether they should date. (Andrew kissed Ashley on both of her cheeks.)

Feb. 12th - They officially begin dating! Was the world ready of this? I am not sure.

Feb 12th - Held hands for the first time, that night at the Young ambassadors show at BYU.

Feb 24th - First kiss of awesome power and amazement! After Ashley's hot and successful soccer game, Andrew kissed her on the steps of her apartment.

Feb. 27th - First french kiss.

March 2nd - "I love you" was said by Andrew to Ashley, who reciprocated.

April 4th - Andrew met a good portion of the Rodgers family!

May 1rst - Ashley said "I want to marry you" to Andrew . . . whoa!

This is an abbreviated love map of the relationship between Ashley Rodgers and Andrew Beck according to the research currently available. Many more details are available to be read and excited about. More entries will be added as time and experience permit.

3 A.M.

I just got off the phone with Ashley . . . it is so enjoyable to talk to her for hours on end! Tonight she read me more of her journal, which I always enjoy a lot. I tryed somthing a bit different tonight and read her some of mine. This was a great expirience for me. It taught me that my levels of being comfortable with myself are really coming into a great place. Tonight as we talked and I read my doubtful, trepadatious, and tiptoeing comments in my journal, I realized something very important: There has been no use to being scared all these years. It has served no purpose. It is time to just live life with a big FAT smile on my face and beleive in myself and let what happens happen. Everyone is fallable and ugly and unloveable in moments - and people choose to love them anyway. I am just like everyone else, if not a little bit more loveable than average. . . So I am going to stop doubting myself right this minute! It's over! Doesn't it feel good to be free? Yes it does.

We talk so much. I told her tonight that our phone conversations are like you're favorite TV show. Can't miss it, love every second of it and can't wait to find out what happens next. Speaking of favorite TV shows, caught Grey's anatomy tonight - awesome! It made me really think about the value of life and how it can end at any moment! I feel like parts of that show really teach good and true principals. . . and then the lesbian couple were eating pizza in nothing but bed covers and then I remembered that Satan loves to get his fingers all mixed up in good messege sending media. Dang him!
The other night I cut my hair like a European Soccer player, I just shaved the sides of my hair off . . . just for fun. A lot of people have given me good feedback. Ashley seemed a bit warry of the idea untill I told her that it is kind of Beckhamesque - then she said she might really like it! My mom told me I look like a lamanite. Ha ha ha! Funny times!

I had band practice a few times this week with Ben Alvarez! I love playing music with him, it is like we have the same brain. We never really question eachother and we just gell like we're siamese twins with half the same brain. We are an awesome team. I miss Aurora. I wish we were a team like that again. Too bad. Today Ben asked me where my favorite place to go with Ashley is to eat and then he took me out to Costa Vida and payed for me. It was really nice. While we were practicing, Joh wolf approached us and made a really weird speach about how our rock and roll was threatening his personal peace and how others in the neigborhood were concerned. We decided it would've been better if he would have just said "hey could you guys close the garage doors?" old people are funny. When I am an older dad dude and there is a sucky garage band in my neighborhood, no matter how sucky, I am going to support them and let them know I think they are awesome for trying and being creative! Oh please let me never get so involved in my world that I think everything else is an obstruction of my squidward like stuffyness, oh please.

This past monday, I went over to my brother's work in SLC and they offered me the opportunity to make some videos for their company. It was cool to be offered a professional opportunity like that! Good! Another chance for me to learn to be reliable and resposible. Then I drove up to Logan utah and spent the night talking untill 7 a.m. with Rob Jepson about the girls we want to marry. It was extreemely enjoyable. It was cool to connect again, he is a great freind.
Well, my gainsville trip approaches and I have 2 more weeks to become the man that Ashley really deserves . . . not that I won't continue to work on him, I just feel like this is a great time to get some things ready, while she is away! I am greatful for the atonement of Jesus Christ that allows me to become AWESOMER every day! I am so greatful for Ashley who makes me feel safe and loved and able to become what I really have the potential to become! I think I'll go get a normal haircut tommorow!