Well finally many years of my prayers have been answered. This weekend has been the best of my life! I feel that Ashley and the Holy ghost have helped me to break through some really really serious walls in my mind that have been holding back my spirit for SO long! On friday after classes and work, we went to my apartment and talked for 6 hours - this was the most intense and frightening talk I have ever encountered thus far in my life. I felt so sad as some of the hurtful things I needed to address made Ashley cry. This really broke my heart more than I can really express. But it was all neccesary. Ashley is the most patient and understanding person on the earth - she hung in there and tried with all of her faculty and might to understand my mind and help me to change it. I don't know anyone else who could've gone to that place with me. Now I know that we can do ANYTHING and that our union and friendship s stronger than the bonds of death! I really never wanted to open up and visit those doubts that we dealt with on that couch - but in order to give myself, my trust, ALL myself and ALL my love . . . we had to go there. I am so greatful. Because after "all the wounds were uncovered for her to see" - she healed me and she made me better. It reminds me of "show me where it hurts so I can be everything you need to be well". I am so grateful. I am so grateful to my heavenly father for helping me to open up and be healed. I know that the Atonement of Jesus the Redeemer of my earthly self as well as my eternal soul has changed me! I love Him and I am so unexplainably grateful for his sacrifice and immense love. I covenanted that I would fully trust Ashley and believe that she had my best interests always in mind. I covenanted to not be afraid. She covenanted to always be truthful with me, and to cherish me like I deserve (and of course I will do the same for her.)After that amazing expirience saturday was really fun! I felt closer to her than I ever have before. There was no boundary. There was no fakery. There was no inhabition! It was all so rael and fabulous. We laughed so much and smiled so much and loved eachother so right. It was so great and what I have ALWAYS wanted. We watched grey's anatomy and we prepared our lesson for sunday and we looked at housing on line and we did someother cool stuff. All I remember is that I was REALLY happy and she was to. How ideal. Sunday was great. We went to church and taught a good lesson. We went to a fireside by the stake president and his wife. We cuddled a lot. We read some stuff and made dinner and it was really happy too. Yesterday was equally as great and I hope life can stay this open and sincere. I cannot express my gratitude enough.
very happy to hear such a happy post--relationship break throughs are like candy. and I mean like good candy, not like stale movie theater candy. I am starting to remember that when things eventually, inevitably "go wrong" after I've made a break through, it doesn't mean I'm starting all over again. Okay, this is going to be a long story. so, I used to think it was like trying to climb up a slide with too long of pants on, so you keep trying to get your footing and thinking you're making ground and then you step on your pants and you slide down. do you know what I mean? (I must have worn too long of hand-me-down pants in elementary school, because I can close my eyes and actually remember what that felt like). Anyway, so you slide down and you feel frustrated and like "man, I haven't made any ground". The thing I'm coming to know and believe is that it's more like climbing a mountain--when it gets hard, it is a new peak with new beautiful sights to be seen once it's conquered. anyways, that idea brings me peace and gives me courage (rather than discourage-ment) through the difficult climbs. I'm also glad to hear that you feel you are no longer trying to hide some secret version of yourself from Ashley. I'm sure she loves you dearly and so of course she needs/deserves to know you inside and out. it's her right and delight to choose to love you, even if you are a spazzy beck. I love you too :)
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