TRAVEL LOG

Saturday - Came and picked me up from the airport, went to dinner at crackerbarrell, ashley gave me a birthday present (a blog about our relationship)
Sunday - Early morning church, Meredith showed us her Les Mis performance, Read scriptures
Monday - Veterans day - ashley took me to chetts grave and showed me her highschool, junior high, and elementary school, then the whole family went with me to Cedar Key and we ate lunch at the ocean breeze resteraunt and walked around and looked at pelicans
Tuesday -

For a more compleate version . . . see ashley's blog!

GAINSVILLE - TITLETOWN - LAND OF MY HEART

I am alive! I made it! One month=four weeks=28 day! And now I am here having the most amazing time of my life! I cannot express how happy I am to be here with this incredible family! I am so happy to be with Ashley again oh my goodness I realy don't even want to try to express how happy I am now! They are really going out of their way to treat me like a king! I'm sure they would do no less for anyother guest, but I feel extreemely blessed to be in the company of such hospitable, kind, funny, loving and nuturing people. I am so greatful to God for my happy life. Sometimes I just want to die and end life on this triumphal and gubilous note! Okay but living is way more exciting than dying because the future is more intreguing than anything in the world! Ashley makes me so happy and fullfilled and satisfied, and I do the same for her. Tonight she told me how I meet all of her needs and she just feels so happy. Tonight I revealed to her that God had told me that I should marry her. We sat on the swing out by the pool and talked excitedly for an hour or so. She stared me deep in my eyes. We did some soul talking for while. Today we went to Olino State Park which was this amazingly cool tropical place that was like Jurrassic park kind of . . . but with no dinosaurs. It was such beautiful country. Now I've seen what Florida is really like and it is incredible. The whole place is green; greener than you can imagine, it's like everything is getting watered 24 7 because of the humidity. I really like this place. Even the humidity just reminds me fondly of my mission. I have been here for 3 days. I don't have time to explain tonight how things have been, but I have promissed myself I will tommorow. Tonight we went to Lake Alice and looked for Aligators . . . which we did see. A small one, and kind of far off, and I didn't bring my glasses, but they promised a better one later. Um, Then we just walked up the hill a little bit, to where the bat house was and at dusk we wittnessed the mexican freetailed bats fly out of their house and into the night sky! What a sight, 50 billion of them, flying in the same pattern, almost as if they were smoke rising. Really cool realization of a childhood dream. We drove in Ashley's dad Larry's Mustang Rousche because it is black and sexy and looks like the batmobile.

Then we came home and Ashley and I did that thing where I read her the entry entitled "revelation on the hill" and it was fun. Then I read her some more entries and we cuddled for a long time. Oh life! Okay more tommorow!

ONE . . . MORE . . . DAY . . .

BIRTHDAY BASH 2 DAYS EARLY AT THE LIVING PLANET AQUARIUM

Yesterday I had a really exciting outing with my fairy Godmother, Debra Lowe. Debra Lowe is a celebrity personality in my life. We met 10 years ago, when she was my junior highschool science teacher. We became freinds and have been hanging out and doing awesome projects together ever since then!
She came and picked me up from my apartment yesterday and took me to lunch at the california pizza kitchen, where I had tostada of course - me and Ashley's fav. Then we opened some really nice presents she had bought me for my trip to florida. She gave me a new digital camera, an MP3 player, some sun screen, toothbrushing stuff, and some other really nice things.
Then we drove to Sandy, Utah and went to "The Living Planet Aquarium" which was awesome. She bought me a membership so I could take Ashley Rodgers there. I was really impressed by the octopus and the jellyfish - so alien and delicate and strangely attractive.
Then Debra came and listened to me and Ben have practice for ZOOHEART . . . I have an indie-rock and roll band. Ben is my long long time best freind and drummer. We fixed up 2 new songs that ROCKED! It was really a great practice, we were both just really feeling it and we got a lot done and laughed a whole bunch!
Later Debra and I went back to my apartment and she helped me pack for florida. She is such an incredible friend. I wish I could really explain all the awesome stuff she has done for me over the years. I classify her as my fairy god mother because that is the closest description to what we are to eachother. She, in a totally removed an unselfish way helps me make my dreams come true! She makes the pumpkin into a carriage, everytime! She ROCKS speaking of ROCKING! Hablo del Diablo!
I talked to Ashley over the phone last night, as always . . . oh that woman! I am so in love with her. I really don't know what is going to happen tommorow when I see her. Am I going to explode? Am I going to go into cardiac arrest? Am I going to scream and pass out? Am I going to pee (well of course) my pants? I don't know. What is she going to do? I can't even imagine. This trip is going to be SO FUN that I am seriously having a hard time picturing it! I can't even really imagine what it is going to be like. . . so I should stop trying because I keep just imagining like lepracauns and unicorns and stuff that isn't real at all . . .

MMMMMMORE TEXTS

1. Ah dang! Are u serious? It's okay because we get lots of thunderstorms in florida, so be patient. (May 1)
2. How sweet. I better watch out. I think he has a crush on you.
3. Oh good. It's just hard when so many people find my boyfriend sexy and i can't be around him to show him that i think so too!
4. I told you mister! You are forbidden from reminding me how crazy hott you are right now and will be in the future. Patience is downright evil.
5. I want to marry you andrew beck! (May 2)
6. Oh my gosh so sweet! I agree.*
7. Why thank you baby. I did get the best anatomy award.
8. Katie is so down with finishing our 4th grade song and doing a music video.
9. How tender
10. Oh sweety i was yours the moment you sang that song to me. Just say it's me that you adore cuz i can't wait a moment more.
11. To a joy beyond compare!! Quando? Oh like right now.
12. Haha. What does a bromance exactly include?
13. In other words, he is beckoning you to come home and catch him with nothin on but the tv.
14. Babies? #@%* yeah. They would be the most attractive kids ever. Oh and they'd be kind. Respectful, and all that stuff too.
15. I love you for my life cuz you're a friend of mine. My best.
16. Whoa so when did buble become mormon? Wait so if he is we might need to take some time apart and I'll need to go and date him.
17. Oh good. Justin was also on my stars gone mormon dating list. Just kidding boo. You are more of a dreamboat than either of them.
18. Oh no! Awkward lauren and gavin relationship. Don't worry i'm entertaining my self by finding the most gorgeous engagement ring ever.
19. Yeah they did. It doesn't matter what it is. All you need to know is that there is a pretty ring involved ;)
20. Sure. What are you guys doing? I hope gavin isn't trying to get u to do weed with him.
21. Way to stay above the influence. Jerk! Don't look to attractive in your swim suit.
22. Yes my love.
23. Night baby.
24. What was the most responsible thing you did yesterday besides not losing your wallet?
25. Great job! Oh my polka dotted flowers ands rainbow stars, greys anatomy is soo crazy good! I cried.
26. You broke into my room again. My perfume does smell delectable. Btw you can take my computer for your personal use.
27. Oh do I ever! I had a dream that i kissed you on the grass in my backyard. Not as good as real life. (May 8)
28. Well if my dreams were the only place i could see you then i'd sleep forever.
29. Nope. I was walking down the street the other day and a crazy bum stopped me to tell me that as he handed me a dead rabbit.
30. No that was just me lying and giving a cooler version of how I found it instead of me sayint that i got it from the internet.
31. Those would be great lyrics to the next utah state song. One problem, i can't run but if i could i would run to you.
32. Who is we? Food? I like food!
33. Oh yes, alejandro as meredith calls him. Oh snap i miss you guys and ia need some costa vida lovin.
34. Are you jammin out to that song?
35. I just totally finished your bday present and am gonna eat some ice cream.
36. Well that's rather foward of you mr. Beck. I just told my mom the story of dessert in the back seat. She thought it was funny.
37. Yeah my parents are cool with kissing and affection. It's only natural. Remember that they became members in their teens.
38. I'm going crazy right now. Oh crap i need to touch you after seeing the hotness in your highschool video!
39. Listen, if you sang that to me that could probably cause things to get out of controll and i just can't take that chance with you.
40. Oh yeah, deffinetly okay with me.
41. Like Aurora's little sister? It's cute, kinda country. and has an adorable nickname, addy. I think I like it.
42. Your fingers are phalangelicious!
43. Your eyes are mysteriously fantasmic.
44. Okay you win. You are too clever.
45. No please enlighten me.
46. Too bad they aren't that cold in florida.
47. I love you my handsomehottcuteness!
48. You should probably put some pants on if you want to continue fighting evil today andrew.
49. What are you going to do? you could take them back. I'm laying out at the moment.
50. My dad loves it and i'm quite taken with it. My great grandma just died an hour ago. She was 97.
51. Well i saw her once a year so i wasn't really close. We were waiting for her to die. She was at hospice.
52. Grandma vaughn. She is my preacher grandma's mom. I'm super hot in the sun and i'm sweating a ton.
53. I've decided that my arm hair is digusting and i't shaving it off in 1 hour.
54. Dear lumpy, you are hotter! Love Ashley's mouth
55. Sometimes it takes a child to point out the obvious. You are my favoright person in the whole entire world.
56. [besa me] freakin mucho. so much drama right now in my family.
57. I'll tell you about it later. Just stuff with meredith. The usual. I'm their favoright kid.
58. No she didn't. She thinks she has intimacy issues when all she really neads is a ncmo. Oh i love surprises!
59. Oh don't I know it! You are so sweet.
60. Since I tell you i love you can i keep you forever? (may 17)
61. Ok babe!
62. The hairs are cut and looking really healthy and fabulous. They need to be caressed by you.
-- - - - - - - - --
A few other people:
1. (aaron mcCausland) I heard you were forming a new band. It looks fun and i have musical talent. I lack wardrobe talent but that can be fixed.
2. so if you like the idea, i think it'd be fun to jam with you guys. I'm more of a singer and only know tuba & irish penny whistle
3. *(Mom) You may not yet have mastered reliability but you have qualities to offer a marriage partner that other men will never posses in a lifetime of trying.
4. The list is too long to enumerate. But sometime in a contomplative moment we can consider it.
5. (Aurora) My love! How was your monday? I just wanted you to know that my song is getting close so i will send it to you soon. Also, thank you for encouraging me so much in music. It really means so much to me when you have confidence in me and help me. I love you!
6. (Erin)Thanks for you r msg. kind of what I needed exactly to boost my day. love you. send pics.
7. (DJ) Where are you? Both of our ladies are across the country, we need to be having the bromance of the century!
8. (Mer) Lol aww thanks andrew that made my day. i love you like trolls love attacking willow!
9. I love you like mad martigan loves dressing as a woman!
10. (Aurora)Hey! I love you :)
11. (Christ M.) Hot dang! I'll boil up some sheep dip.
12. (Mandy) Momma sana, dada sona, papa sona, loddy sona . . .
13. (KC) I had a dream that we were writing puerto villarta. Pretty fun.

4 MORE DAYS - or - REVELATION ON THE HILL

I went to the hill yesterday. This hill is frought with history and memories, for Ashley, Meredith and I. They loved this hill even from before I was in the picture. . . and now that they're gone, it is my hill. I go there to think and feel peaceful and pray to heavenly father. From the hill you can see the provo temple pretty well . . . I was there last night during the most peacefulk sunset, reading my book - the seven pricipals of making marriage work by john gottman, by the way I only have 25 pages left and I will finish it today, and I decided to ask heavenly father some questions. I was going to explain to him that this week, I was planning on going to the temple, to ask Him seriously about marrying Ashley. But before I could really begin describing it, the spirit came over me and enveloped my mind in teaching - in a flash of intelligence, the spirit told me that I have made considerable ground and progress in the two areas heavenly father had seen fit for me to improve before he would give me an answer about Ashley. . . Number one: you need to become a responsible human being. . . Secondly, you need to become a little bit more emotionally grown up." Remember that? Well on the hill in a moment of power, the spirit recounted to me how I have been really improving in those areas.
It showed me that the recent AMAZING progress I have been making over the past few months in the relationship with my mother is GREAT evidence that I am growing up emotionally (other things it told me were evidence as well). It also showed me how I have been working so hard on using my planner and scheduling things and being on time to things and writing in my journal and remembering things and becoming much more responsible (Side note: not that I am done growing in either of these areas, I just have made some great strides). So after the spirit showed me this, I expressed gratitude and then I began to ask the question: "So then, father . . . the only thing that holds me back from deciding to marry Ashley is I want your approval . . . Father - " and before I could really finish the question, I felt that heavy warmth enter my chest. The familiar spirit of confirmation of the Holy Spirit! Oh I love that feeling! I think I laughed and said "well okay" or somthing. Then it got stronger and almost overwhelmed me. I cryed and laughed and stood up on the hill and sang a really loud note to the world and I felt SO HAPPY! The holy ghost is a foretaste of what the celestial kingdom will be like (says preach my gospel) and the joy I felt only can be a peace of that glory!
OH MY LIFE IS AMAZING! The spirit has wittnessed to me that I should marry Ashley Elizabeth Rodgers and now I am so excited! Oh it's so fantastic to have that knowledge in my heart! I feel so powerful and I feel like nothing can make me hurt or afraid! WOW! Amazing things . . .

1 MORE WEEK

I've written 3 songs about ashley in the past few days! I love the way she inspires me to create and is my muse for creation! She is wonderful in every way! "I am really over just talking on the phone with you" she says. I feel the same way. This has been a great expirience . . . and now I am ready to be together again! To look in eachother's eyes and hold eachother and touch eachother and all that cool stuff . . . and even just all that not that cool stuff, like being able to smell her, or see her out of the corner of my eye, or know that we are in the same state even if we're not together. I miss it all. I bought some seriously skinny skinny jeans yesterday . . . probably the most expensive purchase of my life. Um, money is a funny thing. I'm sure I'll understand it some day . . . question mark.
Sometimes it seems like Ashley is just a story and that I'm going to have a beautiful mind moment and wake up and realize that she is only a "figment of me imagination" or an "unidentified flying cupcake" to quote ringo star in 1968's 'the Yellow Submarine'. It's hard to remeber that she's not just a voice. Sometimes I lick the phone.
I recently have been having really good scripture studies again in the morning! I am happy to report this, as it has been too long. My days have been much much more meaningful and awesome since I have started doing that again! I was reading my scriptures all along . . . but there's a difference between reading and studying, you know?! I have delved back into studying preach my gospel and it's great!
DJ, my roomate, and I have been playing a lot of soccer and working out and laying out working on our spring fittness plan - "BODY DIVINE, SPRING '09" - and it has been a really fun way to spend our time. Only now when my love is billions of miles away do I spend time getting to know some boys . . . figures.

PATIENCE

about 8 more days untill I see Ashley again - OH THE GLORY! I can be patient! Patience is a virtue . . . Patience is awesome! I love patience! Patience is so cool - do you know what the coolest thing is about patience? EVERYTHING!

CONFIDENCE

I was reading a journal from the end of high school the other night, and it was very interesting to say the least. Looking back and hearing the angry and upset words of that character, the me of the past, I had a hard time identifying with who he was. To me he seemed so negative, so inwardly focused, so sinacle and wrong. I always admired people who have been solidly themsleves their whole lives, like my Ashley, but I am not like that! I am so greatful to my heavenly father to see that I have changed so much! The atonement is a magic power that creates something out of nothing and makes somthing into something WAY better! The character that lives inside of me now is compleately different than the character than the character that exists in me now . . . it's almost difficult for me to reconcile the difference.
One major difference that I have noticed in them, is that one of them lacked confidence in a HUGE way! In reading his ranting and raving of self-doubt, I realized that I have no reason to not have confidence (side note: this has been a struggle for me, most of my life and I belive that I have really had a break through through this expirience with my highschool journal)! Everything he complained about seemed rediculous to me - and untrue to boot! I realized that behind his mask of fear and need, he was just fine. He was great and had SO much to be greatful for! It really helped me look at my situation and realize that I have permission to just let go compleately and finally of my self-consiousness. I am an awesome person and I am just like everyone else - in the best way possible. I am tottally acceptable and fit into this worlds sociality. Infact, I am above average and need not quesion myself any longer! What a wonderful thing for me!
Okay, sort of related . . . The other night, our ward had on opening social on in Kiwannas park. I recalled how Ashley told me the story of last years opening social and how she had just played football with the boys this time. In an effort to be more like her and to be more confident, I opted to play football with the boys. Of course my skill wasn't as honed as theirs . . . I haven't played football since like juniour high, but it was really fun! I loved running and guarding and rushing . . . I even scored a touchdown! YEAH! Then after that, I played soccer with some other people in the ward and scored a goal! I am really proud of myself. I bet I have what it takes in me to play sports, I have just run from them during my life because of fears and insecurities . . . which are now leaving me! LOOK OUT EVERYBODY!

LOVE STATS

A conclusive review of the Love of Andrew and Ashely
Sept. 7th - First met . . . Ashley approached Andrew and told him that his piano musical number at church was very good.

Oct. 26th - (Desert night on the back deck) Andrew told Ashley that she was beautiful and she said that he had beautiful eyes and that she thought he was attractive too.

Oct. 27th - Hung out for the first time after FHE . . . talked a lot on the couch, and then caught an open mic night show on the other side of chattham.

Feb. 5th - First official date: Andrew took Ashley to the little theatre cooking class at Macey's . . . afterwords, they sat on Andrew's car and enjoyed some deserts.

Feb. 11th - The night of the Paso Doble: Ashley took Andrew to a french movie at international cinema. After the movie, Ashley taught Andrew the steps to the Paso Doble (during which, he fully lost his heart). Andrew asked Ashley to share what was on her mind - she admitted that she had strong feelings for Andrew; he reciprocated and they decided to pray about whether they should date. (Andrew kissed Ashley on both of her cheeks.)

Feb. 12th - They officially begin dating! Was the world ready of this? I am not sure.

Feb 12th - Held hands for the first time, that night at the Young ambassadors show at BYU.

Feb 24th - First kiss of awesome power and amazement! After Ashley's hot and successful soccer game, Andrew kissed her on the steps of her apartment.

Feb. 27th - First french kiss.

March 2nd - "I love you" was said by Andrew to Ashley, who reciprocated.

April 4th - Andrew met a good portion of the Rodgers family!

May 1rst - Ashley said "I want to marry you" to Andrew . . . whoa!

This is an abbreviated love map of the relationship between Ashley Rodgers and Andrew Beck according to the research currently available. Many more details are available to be read and excited about. More entries will be added as time and experience permit.

3 A.M.

I just got off the phone with Ashley . . . it is so enjoyable to talk to her for hours on end! Tonight she read me more of her journal, which I always enjoy a lot. I tryed somthing a bit different tonight and read her some of mine. This was a great expirience for me. It taught me that my levels of being comfortable with myself are really coming into a great place. Tonight as we talked and I read my doubtful, trepadatious, and tiptoeing comments in my journal, I realized something very important: There has been no use to being scared all these years. It has served no purpose. It is time to just live life with a big FAT smile on my face and beleive in myself and let what happens happen. Everyone is fallable and ugly and unloveable in moments - and people choose to love them anyway. I am just like everyone else, if not a little bit more loveable than average. . . So I am going to stop doubting myself right this minute! It's over! Doesn't it feel good to be free? Yes it does.

We talk so much. I told her tonight that our phone conversations are like you're favorite TV show. Can't miss it, love every second of it and can't wait to find out what happens next. Speaking of favorite TV shows, caught Grey's anatomy tonight - awesome! It made me really think about the value of life and how it can end at any moment! I feel like parts of that show really teach good and true principals. . . and then the lesbian couple were eating pizza in nothing but bed covers and then I remembered that Satan loves to get his fingers all mixed up in good messege sending media. Dang him!
The other night I cut my hair like a European Soccer player, I just shaved the sides of my hair off . . . just for fun. A lot of people have given me good feedback. Ashley seemed a bit warry of the idea untill I told her that it is kind of Beckhamesque - then she said she might really like it! My mom told me I look like a lamanite. Ha ha ha! Funny times!

I had band practice a few times this week with Ben Alvarez! I love playing music with him, it is like we have the same brain. We never really question eachother and we just gell like we're siamese twins with half the same brain. We are an awesome team. I miss Aurora. I wish we were a team like that again. Too bad. Today Ben asked me where my favorite place to go with Ashley is to eat and then he took me out to Costa Vida and payed for me. It was really nice. While we were practicing, Joh wolf approached us and made a really weird speach about how our rock and roll was threatening his personal peace and how others in the neigborhood were concerned. We decided it would've been better if he would have just said "hey could you guys close the garage doors?" old people are funny. When I am an older dad dude and there is a sucky garage band in my neighborhood, no matter how sucky, I am going to support them and let them know I think they are awesome for trying and being creative! Oh please let me never get so involved in my world that I think everything else is an obstruction of my squidward like stuffyness, oh please.

This past monday, I went over to my brother's work in SLC and they offered me the opportunity to make some videos for their company. It was cool to be offered a professional opportunity like that! Good! Another chance for me to learn to be reliable and resposible. Then I drove up to Logan utah and spent the night talking untill 7 a.m. with Rob Jepson about the girls we want to marry. It was extreemely enjoyable. It was cool to connect again, he is a great freind.
Well, my gainsville trip approaches and I have 2 more weeks to become the man that Ashley really deserves . . . not that I won't continue to work on him, I just feel like this is a great time to get some things ready, while she is away! I am greatful for the atonement of Jesus Christ that allows me to become AWESOMER every day! I am so greatful for Ashley who makes me feel safe and loved and able to become what I really have the potential to become! I think I'll go get a normal haircut tommorow!

Sunday Morn

Yesterday was a wonderful day! I have just been taking it easy (code words for being disgustingly lazy) for this last week. HEY! sometimes you gotta take a vacation. . . you know? I have been reading a lot recently. So far I have finished 2 pop psych books on marriage preparedness and I am on my third! I really enjoy them for some reason - hmmmm . . . what reason could that be? Yesterday I began writing a new song about Ashley, on the guitar. We talked on the phone for a long time in the middle of the day and got to know more about each other - she asked me about growing up with a single mom and other stuff, it was really nice.
Later I went to a UCC Utah children's Choir concert (at the Covey Arts Center)- the choir I was in in like 6th grade that I hated with all my heart. It was very nostalgic too see some people that were in the choir with me, but all grown up. Apparently this was the 25th year anniversary concert, so at the end of the performance, Ms. Asay the director invited alumni (me and others) on stage to do the last 2 remaining numbers . . . neither of which I remembered at all - really fun!
Later Ashley called me and we had the most delightful conversation for like 4 hours! I love her so much! What did she say that I want to remember? She read me a whole bunch of her journal entries (which has become one of our favorite past times together) both when she was in high school and then some when she was in college, during the beginning of our relationship! TENDER! Um I just can't believe her, she is such a champ! She has been kicking every bodie's butts for years in sports! What a hottie. Um she told me that I was very handsome and stunning, and said a lot of sweet things to boost my confidence. We talked a lot about our feelings for eachother - am so proud of her, she has made a large amount of progress in being able to verbalize her feelings (which is kind of a newer thing for her). What a champ!

Daily posts #1 - Praying about Marriage

Sip an ice cold lemonade while traveling through the galaxy and listening to your favorite music. So Yesterday was NUTS and great and wonderful and horrible. Let me just start with the bad news first and then the pee your pants good news: I was signed up to be the lead singer of a one time prince cover band. The other day we had our second practice, and as has been characteristic of me in the past, I had not done my part to learn the words to all the songs we were supposed to be doing seven days later. I said something apologetic like "Sorry for being so unprofessional, I will have these learned by next time we meet." They called me the next day and respectfully asked me to not be in the group because there just wasn't enough time to have me lagging behind like that. Good form on their part - definitely good form - BUT I am so dissapointed in myself! I ALWAYS do stuff like that! And I had like 3 weeks to learn that stuff! OH MAN!!! So this plays into an important subject that has been on my mind recently. . . I NEED TO BECOME A RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING. This is actually one thing I have been really working on lately, and this expirience yesterday is just a little more proof that I REALLY need to improve! Wow!
Okay, good news now - so the other day I was praying about whether I should/could/would marry the princess Ashley and some interesting stuff happened. I am used to getting pretty stratight foward answers from my father in heaven, that is just how we have communicated in the past. So I presented him with the facts - I showed Him how she matches up with the character in my patriarchal blessing, I showed Him how my recent research in marriage books says that we will have a good and strong and powerful relationship, I showed Him how she really compleates me in a lot of ways, I showed Him how she had prayed about it and received such a STRONG answer from Him a few weeks ago - and then in light of all that evidence (or studying it out in my mind that I had done) I told him that I believed it was the correct descision and asked in the most straight foward way I know how if I should marry her! And then I waited . . . I waited for the answer . . . and I waited some more . . . and I didn't feel anything! I know what YES feels like . . . and I know what NO feels like . . . but I didn't feel either of those. I prayed again, and I felt "I'm not going to tell you right now." WHAT?! Why not? He wouldn't say any more. Weird huh?
So in pondering this turn of events the past couple of days, and hopefully these thoughts are guided by the spirit . . . I have decided that this is what heavenly father meant:
1. You are not ready to hear the "yes" that is obviously the answer to this question. If I told you YES now, you would go all willy nilly and lose your focus on anything else - look how you are already totally obsessed with this girl! So I have a few serious things to teach you before I will give you this information. Remember how when you wanted to move foward with Anna and you thought that was the best thing, but had you done so, you wouldn't know a few KEY lessons that you know now? Yeah, same thing. I have a few very important lessons for you - THEN I will give you your answer.
2. So what are those lessons? Number one: you need to become a responsible human being. OH her we go again! You know it's true. This is a serious malidy in you personality and you must work on it to build a strong relationship with Ashley (or anyone for that matter).
3. Secondly, you need to become a little bit more emotionally grown up. You have been making incredibly great progress, and it's very effective and impressive and we're all proud, but you still have a ways to go! You need to solidify your self esteem and personality image and upstanding life goals before you move forward.
So in essence that is what I feel He wants for me before I boldly go where I have never gone before! And I am so grateful to Him for that information! How wonderful that He would offer me that perspective that I may NEVER have thought of on my own! WOW cool and wonderful! I am so excited to grow and change and get better and become the man I've always wanted to be!
- Okay new subject, kind of -
So I don't know what it is, but there is something inside of me that feels shameful and almost embarrassed when I talk about marriage. Why is that? It has nothing to do with Ashley, I guess it's just a sensitive, personal and vulnerable subject for everyone? Question mark? It's kind of a big deal and you really put your self up for review when you say, in effect, "I am ready to commit my life to adult ways and styles of living" and "this person I have chosen is perfect for me, and there's nothing any of you can do about it". These are things that invite a lot of criticism and judgment from people, I guess - and I have always had an intense fear of scrutiny (one thing I will be working on in section 3 of what heavenly father told me). I guess it's all just very intimate and sensitive! AND you don't want to say it, until you say it.
So last night on the telephone somehow, Ashley and I got onto this subject. We were talking about her answer to her prayer and she trepidatiously asked me "so have . . . you prayed at all about that." Then I told her everything I have said so far in this entry. She seemed pleased. Then I asked her - "So, can I ask you a question? I'm not sure . . . was the answer to your prayer a you 'could' marry Andrew. . . or a you 'should' marry Andrew?" She didn't hesitate and said it was a SHOULD answer. I kind of lost my mind at that moment and said "Whoa, this changes things!" She took in my response for a moment and said "I want to marry you." OH THOSE WORDS! OH THE MOST FABULOUS WORDS I HAVE EVER HEARD! I made her say them again! We talked through some stuff and then I told her that I wanted to marry her too. She seemed very relieved and said "that was good to hear." Then she told me how the answer to her prayer had changed her perspective - oh my!!! This was the best information that I have ever heard in my life!
She said that when she thinks about her future . . . she thinks about it with me. She says that she talks about us like we are getting married. And that that is the way she sees her life going! We both just sat in the glow of the joy we felt in our rib cages for a couple of minutes. I felt that same familiar warmth that is the holy ghost - or was it just the similar JOY I felt that I feel when he speaks? I am not sure. We talked untill my phone ran out of batteries. I am so happy i don't even know what to do! Oh my lanta! I gotta go take some asprin!

TEXTS

The inbox in my phone is 100% full, of texts from Ashley, so I think I'll log them down here, for future reference:
1. U have no idea how hard I am laughing right now! If it makes you feel any better, i didn't get off the floor for 10 minutes after u left. (Mar25)
2. Yeah, I like us. I haven't been called a jerk in a while, especially not in that context.
3. I just passed the tree of life sculpture on compus. ;)
4. It's more like apple cherry beard burn face. Goodnight.
5. Seriously Andrew, you are what i've always looked for and hoped to find. I really beleive that god made u just for me (Mar26)
6. I've been out. But it is so cold. Unless you want to run to california, i don't think i could survive.
7. Like in the byu pool? Yes.
8. 11:30 is better. What! I have a crush on you too. I'm glad i could get that off my chest.
9. Or just grand moments. Maybe even a gazebo moment now and again.
10. Right on time. Thanx honey. It's funny that you called me baby girl, because that's what my mom got that day. (Mar29)
11. Thank you and thanks for the breakfast! You are a gem.
12. In the next hour. I'm really excited to dance them! wow. I think you might be the first blasian polka champ.
13. I got 92 on samba (surprisingly), 90 on rumba, and 91 on paso! Honors again. (Apr1)
14. Get it! You are teaching me your routine soon. You are so hott and successful!
15. Btw. . . Good paper.
16. Wow, her own personal cheerleader. Don't remind me. I am trying to do homework. I love your enthusiasm and i imagine you just did a cartwheel.
17. Yeah your writign is so interesting and u use cool words.
18. My writing is straight foward and boring compared to yours but u can read them if you want to.
19. Woah easy! There is no need for such severe threats. I'll give u all my papers, just don't use the gazebo war tactics.
20. The song "dead and gone" by t.i. and justin timberlake is really good. Love the chorus. Look it up.
21. I love you too!
22. I love when you are walking near someone and they just bust out singing out loud.
23. Who texts from the micturation station?
24. Drop it like its hott for me u know what i mean good night. (Apr4)
25. This speaker looks like the voice teacher of john daker, Ok?
26. Please tell me that was said with a sexy irish accent and that that means u are going there too.
27. Shut up!
28. Now you can be just like justin and play the piano in the desert. Yeah, candie is a picture taking beast.
29. Hott!
30. I saw you from a distance running about an hour ago. U are wearing my favorite color today.
31. Oh yeah! I can destress.
32. I need u to give me motivation to do my paper.
33. Incentive to finish.
34. All of the above.
35. Yes yes yes!
36. I miss u! (Apr8)
37. Once when I was just checkin the mail. I'm watching highschool musical 3 since greys was a rerun and i need some type of media.
38. Crazy i know. What are u doing?
39. Going to the ballroom dance concert with my boyfreind.
40. Well I'm a pretty astute girl. We've been dating for 2 months and we really like dance.
41. Thanks. I'm also astute enough to say that he treats me extreemely well, not good. Oh man, I just smelled my self. I love alba cream.
42. Oh yeah, super hott! So hott that it needs 2 t's. They dont make freshmen like those florida girls anymore. Plus they're all ring hungry.
43. No headache. I'm sorry can i lips it better? This is what t9 put when i tried to write kiss, not lips.
44. Well I'm actually going to make some dinner that might involve grits. Then maybe do some hw.
45. Would you like to join me boo?
46. How is that even possible? I'll save you some for u to eat after you are done.
47. If you are going to FHE, can I go with you to yours.
48. They are, i just want to be with u. So i will come over soon.
49. Thank you for the kiss on the hand. I really love listening to u and i'm glad you feel safe enough with me. I love you so so much andrew beck!
50. Okie dokie. Yay!
51. Guess where i am. I might have to start this habbit too! (Apr21)
52. U mean micturator. Metriculation means going to school which i dont do anymore.
53. Ahhh dang!!! It's started. I won't see you for a month and i'm starting my reconciliation with the world. I'm slowly embracing this fact. (Apr22)
(from Florida)
54. Yeah it's wonderful. Are u in california?
55. Are you topless in the topless jeep? My ears hurt really bad still. We didn't find bon qui qui's last name cuz she had called security on me.
56. Shut up! No he didn't! Can i get a what what? Good Night sugah.
57. New Greys anatomy tongiht!!!
58. Yeah life is funny that way. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
59. I see you are reading finding the love of your life. Have you found her yet? That's a powerful quote. (Apr25)
60. Oh sand!!! Um . . . Give me a second . . . Ok so i'm glad you are learning about that.
61. Awww tender. I beleive you have done all of that.
62. If i had known that the energies of love can make fire then we wouldn't have been cold all of those nights outside in the winter.
63. Just for you to appreciate and admire me. I save it all for you.
64. Yeah well i'm real sweet on you. I guess its definetly true love then.
65. Oh that one definetly applies to me.
66. This is a pickup line that meredith helped create. You are like a youtube video, You're so funny i could watch you all day.
67. Did you know that 1 in 10 dykinee babies is born with crinkies? Question mark?
68. No! I'll call you tommorrow then? I love you too!
69. Meredith is making fun of the way i sleep. She said she's gonna start calling me wednesday after wednesday adams. (Apr30)
70. With my hands crossed over my chest and ankles crossed.
71. Oh man. My least favorite time of the year. It's maddness.
72. I've stopped trying to explain your random transformations.
73. Lol! What happened? Did they try to convince you to come home with them?
74. What did i tell you about lying? Or u could actually steal something that belongs to me and where it.
75. Crazy. I am looking at laura's blog and screamed when my newest nephew showed up in a recent picture. He's way too cute.
76. Josh. It's chetrodgers.blogspot.com and i am reminding you to write about the last month of your life in your journal
77. I think I have a bigger crush on you than the older mom girls u ran into. and that means it's gotta be huge. New greys anatomy tonight!!!
78. What? I did not in the least bit understand that question.
79. Oh i'm doing one. It's what the doctors recommended.
80. I think that is so hilarious and can i please watch a hot guy play soccer shirtless. It's my favorite past time.
81. Patience? Patience? I hate this word right now. I want u now!
82. I miss your butterfly kisses.
83. My surgery went perfectly and now i'm eating a vanilla frosty without you. (May1)
84. Yeah I got a bit of frosty on my chin but i had to use the traditional napkin. Bummer. You're welcome.
(from other people)
1. (559-917-1180)I've had things gone by stuck in my head all day. (Apr1)
2. (Marian) Love ya! Come to Gainsville. Bring your Mom with you!
3. (Dan) Just listening to your music and wanted to tell you how talented you are. I love it and love you. (Apr27)
4. (Lauren) Ha ok. Great idea. You can use Ashley's blanket. :)
5. So what you're really trying to say is you want to spend the rest of your life making cookies with me?
I decided to post these, to remember these good times and to exhibit how witty and funny Ashley is. She is really a delight to message back and forth with. Oh I love her.

Hottness . . .

Can we talk about how attractive Ashley is?
Can we just do that for a few minutes, or hours or days or weeks? That just really needs to get talked about sometimes! On a scale from . . . oh I don't know, 1 to HOT, I think ashley is probably like a BURN YOUR FACE OFF MELT YOUR FILLINGS IN YOUR TEETH, HOT! okay sorry I just needed to get that off my chest.

Post St. George devopements

Ashley and I have been virtually inseparable. Can I express that I have never experienced a more reciprocal relationship. And I am so grateful. Ashley loves to be with me - and I love to be with her. I had kinda started to believe that that was never going to happen, and that no matter who you are, people will eventually ask you to leave them alone (here's some of my deeply personal fears coming out). But I guess love doesn't have to be that way. Ashley and I spent over 70 hrs. together the week of finals (we had reading days with no class) just studying and being together - it was cool because I had wondered what would happen if we suddenly had no demands on our time together, and apparently THAT is what happens. 70 hours of hanging out!
Our friendship has become SO cool and so close. We are also very independent people and spend plenty of time apart . . . wow this is all so new to me.
Ashley will be in Florida for 6 weeks, getting and recovering from bunion surgery. I took Ashley to the airport the other day . . . well first we had to go to the cracker barrel to find her wallet that she had left there the night before (that is certainly one way I would not want to rub off on her). Then we raced up to the air port and said - I love you see you in a month. Wow that was hard. I will be visiting her in a month out in Florida and I am out of my mind excited about that! We have been having the most delightful telephone relationship in the meantime! We talk everyday for a few hours and it has been wonderful to get to know Ashley in this very special way, when words is all we have to communicate. Normally we leave a lot up to our bodies and faces, but I have loved getting to know her in this way. I have loved staying up late expiriencing deep conversation and honest sharing. Sometimes she reads me her journal entires, in fact, that has become one of my fav past times for this period of our relationship. It has been so enjoyable to go back and see what she was feeling, when. In fact that is the inpiration for me writing this blog/journal. The information she had recorded was so valuable and it made me really want to start making a better record, so I am now. I plan to make this part of my daily rouitine, so hopefully entires will start to be a little smaller?

ST. George - Meet the Rodgerses

Carefull, it's a long one - So Ashley and Meredith and Marian and I all drove down to Ivans UT, just beyond st. George to visit josh and Candice, Ashley's brother and sister in law. Wow I should have written about this when it happened, because this is going to take some serious time to explain . . . anyways, the drive down was scary. I met ashley and Mer at 5 am to pick up mamma at the hotel. She was ready to go, chipper, hair done and everything! The drive down was wicked crazy. Snow was pounding down out of the clouds. Having had some dangerous winter expiriences earlier with my little volvo, I was very frightened that we wouldn't make it. As we were driving, mamma started swirving left and right across the road. Ashley called her and she said she was falling asleep - so ashley went and rode with her.
I was full of excitement and nervousness to meet her dad and brother and others as we pulled up to Josh and Candice's house. When we entered, I immediately met Skyler and Summer and the two little boys Seth and Christian (I think). Then I met Candice - she was a lot more soft spoken and calm than I had imagined her from her pictures. She had a calming and sweet personality that comforted me right off (she kind of looked like a funloving outspoken partygirl -not in a bad way). Then a few minutes later, Dad and Josh came home from some activity.
My intution told me that Josh wanted a handshake - not a hug - so I abliged. Larry was so warm and freindly that I felt like I could hug him and I did. Earlier in the week I had planned on whether on not to hug these men and I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't hide who I am and try to be someone that other people like - but just be myself. Then we all sat down in the living room and got to know eachother for a little while. This is all a bit jumbled. We watched conference on TV and the little kids and I drew on a white board, Ashley sat by me and held my hand a lot. Oh this one moment was so tender - At this one point, both Ashley and Meredith were sleeping on my oposite shoulders and the kids were sitting like on me and them and the dog was snuggled up against my legs - I have never felt so loved and accepted. One of the first moments of PaPa Rodgers that I remember is him, finding his grandaughter Summer in the kitchen, and in a soft and very sincere voice saying "your hair looks really pretty today summer". I felt that he was a sweet and warm man who I could relate to, even just in that first incling I got of him. It proved to be true, he is a sweet heart through and through.
Josh: Josh was sarcastic and loud and funny! I really liked his personality. I found myself laughing out loud at lots of things he would say. We really jelled. The personal joking back and forth started early and continued the whole time I was there. I think I did a really good job relating to this powerful male character - I think I remained confident, didn't plead for approval, and yet helped him feel that I accepted him and generally liked him and thought he was cool. We ended up becoming good friends, quoting Nacho Libre all weekend.
So I was expecting to like everyone and to get along with everybody, but I wasn't really expecting to fall in love with the entire family and really jell with everyone totally individually. This family is incredibly generous and loving and warm. They opened their arms to me, expecting me to be great and gave me the permission to be great! I really felt a special connection and freindship with each of them:
Meredith: oh Meredith Rodgers! New best freind! Even before we left for St. Ivans George, I was in love with the amazingness of Meredith! We deffinetly became like instant friends in like 5 minutes and that was incredibly wonderful, enriching and comforting. It felt so good to have maybe Ashley's closest confidaunt give me the 2 thumbs up. Meredith reminds me of one of my cousins - personal jokes right and left, hugging, hanging out just the two of us - I felt such great acceptance and warmth the whole time. Meredith is REALLY funny and sings like a frickin' diva black girl, which is totally awesome. I miss her.
Marian (momma): I really really like Momma Rodgers alot. I felt like she quite liked me as well. When we first all met up for the first, I was parking my car, getting out, singing 'heart of gold' and I heard a voice say "that's his voice!' I looked over to see Ashley, Momma and Meredith having just parked and getting luggage out of the car! I think I yelled something like "oh no!" and then Mer ran to me and jumped into my arms to give me a huge hug! That was a wonderful introduciton. Then I walked over to Ashley and Marian and gave the mom a hug. She put her head on my chest and said, "this is how I used to hug Chett." She looked at me over and over, as did Meredith . . . it was very magical and I'm sure to them, I was unreal. Then I hugged Ashley and Momma commented on how that was weird to see a boy touching Ashley like that. She made a lot of comments along those lines during the weekend (and still) which leads me to believe that in some families, that makes people REAL nervous - better watch out for that. Momma's personality is really fun, she is the extrovert of the family for sure. Unlike quiet powerful reserved Ashley, Momma is a talk out loud, meet strangers, ask the waiter to change her food kinda woman and I like that! In some ways she reminded me of my mom, only softer and more concerned about how people would recieve what she was saying. She was extreemely warm and made me feel like she was proud that Ashley was dating me - which was wonderful!
Larry (Dad): I've talked about dad a little bit, but not fully. Of course, men are a mystery to me. Having been raised by women, keeping mostly female freinds and gravitating towards boys of a similar situation, I have always felt a bit of a wall between me and men - especially dad aged older confident men . . . I guess it's only natural. I did my best to get some alone time with Larry to understand him and try my best to get to know him and I can report success. We became friends, although I would certainly like to know him closer and better. He is a great man, I can tell that the concern for the people in his family is the forefront thing in his brain. He is so soft and calm and strong, I can see where Ashley gets alot of her personality from. I really develpoed an admiration for him, just watching from a far during the weekend. He is deffinetly a role model for me! Unfortunatley I can't find any photos of him.

That day was ashley's birthday celebration, we ate cake and sang and opened a few gifts, and then we did a scavenger hunt, headed by Momma that lead us to the Debbenhams's house.
So, Ash Mer and Mom and Dad stayed at the Debbenham's house . . . a mantion of great proportions - pool, hot tub, piano, pool room, home theatre, ridiculousness! And I went home and slept at Josh and Candies. This was fun because I got to know them alot better and got to spend some time talking with just Josh - boy bonding time, I love it. Candice's family was over (thousands of sisters) and we all talked and had a little minnie dance party. I danced with Skyler (my favorite of Ashley's nieces - SHHHH don't tell) and it was really enjoyable. I wished that Ashley was with us, but it was kind of neat for it to be okay that I was on my own and taht we didn't need to always be together (even though I'm sure we wanted to be), I think that's how a healthy relationship works. In fact the next day she made a comment about how she was really happy that she didn't need to entertain me and that it was great that she could just leave me alone and know that I would have a good time. I appreciated that. After Candice's family left, Candy and Josh and I stayed up and talked. That night, I was coughing a lot and Josh came into my room to ask if I wanted some medicine. He brought it and a cup of water to my bed side and took care of me like I was one of his kids. It was very sweet and tender . . . in a VERY MANLY WAY! GRRRRRR! That was a neat moment in Ivans.
The next morning, I watched the first session of conference with the Josh Rodgers family. We ate breakfast and I got to spend some quality time with Summer and Skyler. Funny thing - I don't really know why, maybe it's just their personalities or maybe it's just me, but I really didn't ever feel drawn to spend any time with the little boys, infact sometimes I had a hard time remembering their names. Maybe they were scared of me, I don't know, but the little girls were about 2000 times more engaging. Hmmm. Then we went over to the Debbenham's and watched the second session with everyb0dy else. We watched it in their home theatre - HUGE screen style - and Ashley and I cuddle in a ginormous beenbag . . . oh I have never been more comfortable in my existance. I deffinetly fell asleep. We ate this amazing lunchfast of keish and eggs and french toast and fruit and it made me poop in my pants!
During Lunch, Larry took me out side and said he wanted to just spend a little time with just me. That made me feel really cherished, although I probably should've felt nervous. . . okay I did a little bit. He asked me about me and about what I like and what I do and what I think. He was very gentile and non intrusive. I felt like he really just wanted to get to know me. Yes, he was judging to see if I was suitable for ashley, but in a really kind and honest way. I love him. Then we took turns talking about our favorite things about Ashley, that was really fun. He had been open to me the entire weekend, but funny thing, after this talk, he was 100% open to me. I guess he just needed that extra knowledge about me. After our talk he hung around me and Ash more and made some jokes about what our future children would look like - talking about recessive brown eye genes - and invited me to come down to florida, infront of Ashley. . . this I take as his blessing.
The rest of the day was spent just hanging out and having fun. Ashley and I interacted a whole bunch during this whole trip even though I really havn't mentioned that a lot. It was beautiful, I felt like we were a real couple that really loved eachother and really looked out for eachother. I have never been so happy. A lot of our time was spent, Me Mer and Ashley at the piano, jamming and wailing away!
That night it was really sad to leave everyone. Ashley and I drove back to provo with a new sense of power in our union. What an incredible expirience! These could be my future family members.