Daily posts #1 - Praying about Marriage

Sip an ice cold lemonade while traveling through the galaxy and listening to your favorite music. So Yesterday was NUTS and great and wonderful and horrible. Let me just start with the bad news first and then the pee your pants good news: I was signed up to be the lead singer of a one time prince cover band. The other day we had our second practice, and as has been characteristic of me in the past, I had not done my part to learn the words to all the songs we were supposed to be doing seven days later. I said something apologetic like "Sorry for being so unprofessional, I will have these learned by next time we meet." They called me the next day and respectfully asked me to not be in the group because there just wasn't enough time to have me lagging behind like that. Good form on their part - definitely good form - BUT I am so dissapointed in myself! I ALWAYS do stuff like that! And I had like 3 weeks to learn that stuff! OH MAN!!! So this plays into an important subject that has been on my mind recently. . . I NEED TO BECOME A RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING. This is actually one thing I have been really working on lately, and this expirience yesterday is just a little more proof that I REALLY need to improve! Wow!
Okay, good news now - so the other day I was praying about whether I should/could/would marry the princess Ashley and some interesting stuff happened. I am used to getting pretty stratight foward answers from my father in heaven, that is just how we have communicated in the past. So I presented him with the facts - I showed Him how she matches up with the character in my patriarchal blessing, I showed Him how my recent research in marriage books says that we will have a good and strong and powerful relationship, I showed Him how she really compleates me in a lot of ways, I showed Him how she had prayed about it and received such a STRONG answer from Him a few weeks ago - and then in light of all that evidence (or studying it out in my mind that I had done) I told him that I believed it was the correct descision and asked in the most straight foward way I know how if I should marry her! And then I waited . . . I waited for the answer . . . and I waited some more . . . and I didn't feel anything! I know what YES feels like . . . and I know what NO feels like . . . but I didn't feel either of those. I prayed again, and I felt "I'm not going to tell you right now." WHAT?! Why not? He wouldn't say any more. Weird huh?
So in pondering this turn of events the past couple of days, and hopefully these thoughts are guided by the spirit . . . I have decided that this is what heavenly father meant:
1. You are not ready to hear the "yes" that is obviously the answer to this question. If I told you YES now, you would go all willy nilly and lose your focus on anything else - look how you are already totally obsessed with this girl! So I have a few serious things to teach you before I will give you this information. Remember how when you wanted to move foward with Anna and you thought that was the best thing, but had you done so, you wouldn't know a few KEY lessons that you know now? Yeah, same thing. I have a few very important lessons for you - THEN I will give you your answer.
2. So what are those lessons? Number one: you need to become a responsible human being. OH her we go again! You know it's true. This is a serious malidy in you personality and you must work on it to build a strong relationship with Ashley (or anyone for that matter).
3. Secondly, you need to become a little bit more emotionally grown up. You have been making incredibly great progress, and it's very effective and impressive and we're all proud, but you still have a ways to go! You need to solidify your self esteem and personality image and upstanding life goals before you move forward.
So in essence that is what I feel He wants for me before I boldly go where I have never gone before! And I am so grateful to Him for that information! How wonderful that He would offer me that perspective that I may NEVER have thought of on my own! WOW cool and wonderful! I am so excited to grow and change and get better and become the man I've always wanted to be!
- Okay new subject, kind of -
So I don't know what it is, but there is something inside of me that feels shameful and almost embarrassed when I talk about marriage. Why is that? It has nothing to do with Ashley, I guess it's just a sensitive, personal and vulnerable subject for everyone? Question mark? It's kind of a big deal and you really put your self up for review when you say, in effect, "I am ready to commit my life to adult ways and styles of living" and "this person I have chosen is perfect for me, and there's nothing any of you can do about it". These are things that invite a lot of criticism and judgment from people, I guess - and I have always had an intense fear of scrutiny (one thing I will be working on in section 3 of what heavenly father told me). I guess it's all just very intimate and sensitive! AND you don't want to say it, until you say it.
So last night on the telephone somehow, Ashley and I got onto this subject. We were talking about her answer to her prayer and she trepidatiously asked me "so have . . . you prayed at all about that." Then I told her everything I have said so far in this entry. She seemed pleased. Then I asked her - "So, can I ask you a question? I'm not sure . . . was the answer to your prayer a you 'could' marry Andrew. . . or a you 'should' marry Andrew?" She didn't hesitate and said it was a SHOULD answer. I kind of lost my mind at that moment and said "Whoa, this changes things!" She took in my response for a moment and said "I want to marry you." OH THOSE WORDS! OH THE MOST FABULOUS WORDS I HAVE EVER HEARD! I made her say them again! We talked through some stuff and then I told her that I wanted to marry her too. She seemed very relieved and said "that was good to hear." Then she told me how the answer to her prayer had changed her perspective - oh my!!! This was the best information that I have ever heard in my life!
She said that when she thinks about her future . . . she thinks about it with me. She says that she talks about us like we are getting married. And that that is the way she sees her life going! We both just sat in the glow of the joy we felt in our rib cages for a couple of minutes. I felt that same familiar warmth that is the holy ghost - or was it just the similar JOY I felt that I feel when he speaks? I am not sure. We talked untill my phone ran out of batteries. I am so happy i don't even know what to do! Oh my lanta! I gotta go take some asprin!